There are times .....

....when this recovery work really sucks. Today is one of them. I did most of the Soul Window assignment out of the 90 Prep workbook as well as the Eroticized Rage worksheet. This self introspection is just difficult at times. In the Eroticized Rage worksheet you are asked what makes you angry currently. The first thing I wrote was "being in the relationship I am currently in".

I'm hurting and want to cry. I feel I've got almost no where to go. I know I do have family I could turn to and lean on but there is an overwhelming feeling of sadness surrounding the thought of leaving Martha. I don't want to hurt her. But this recovery is about me. I think that whatever action I take will be hurting her. I've got to find the inner strength to make this decision. Otherwise the alternative is me searching for more places and people to act out with.

This weekend I felt nothing but love and warmth around my family. While I spent some time trying to win an argument with Bruce, all the rest of the weekend was terrific. That is what I want in my life. I felt a lot more whole and like my life was more complete.

Is my addict screaming at me to leave my marriage with Martha? Is this just a ploy to get me out of this relationship and back to acting out? If it is, I think the addict is going at it the wrong way. Yes, I might act out if I was to get out of my marriage. But that is not where I want to be. I want a full, well-rounded life that doesn't include acting out with prostitutes. People have that life and I can too. I don't have to go down some crazy path that leads to an insane life. I can have a sane, healthy life, full of love and warmth.

The reality is that I've had these feelings of leaving the marriage for quite awhile. Probably for over half the marriage. The relationship had grown tired, stale and boring. We've grown very accostumed to each other. We know each other's habits and daily quirks. I find my self very irritated by my irritations with her. I know I have resentments towards her. I'm mad at myself for having lost myself. I'm mad at myself for not being the person I want to be. Maybe this addiction will give me the strength to find myself and finally decide if this marriage is right for me or if I need to move on.