This month is moving right along. The year is moving along. It seems like forever ago that I actually worked a job. I don't even know if I'd be able to sit down and work a job again. I know I could but it would be an adjustment for me.
Spent time yesterday reflecting upon my trip to California and briefly discussed with a fellow SAA member. I was unprepared to make that trip. My recovery is very new and my skills are not where they need to be. What I realized is that I do need to make time every day for my recovery. I've got to take time out of every day to start it correctly and get myself properly grounded. If I make another long trip, I would quite possibly be much better served to break it down into pieces so that I can have time and patience to work on my recovery. I failed to do my nightly work and it was definitely reflected in my PCI. I also need to make sure that I've got listening materials for the trip that are soothing to me. Yes I love music but in my current mental state, it just does not work for me. It's too much and drives me to the edge. I'll take a look online today and see what I can find for listening tapes or cd's. Another thing that would be very positive would be for me to have check in calls lined up along the way. If I had to check in with another SAA fellow every few hours or so, I know I would have felt better.
Also, what became very apparent to me is that I need to clarify my inner circle activities more. I have to specifically breakdown possible activities so that I don't give myself any wiggle room. It's too damn easy to lose the head game negotiation with your addict. Good. That feels good to realize that some good for my recovery came out of that trip. Not everything will be immediately apparent during this journey of recovery.
Another issue that came to a head was letting people see my online recovery journal. I know that I invited Carla to see it. I'd like to claim ignorance as to why but it wasn't completely good. Somehow, someway I was thinking that it could draw me closer to her and her closer to me. Then maybe, I could end up having a physical relationship with her. I know my therapist said that having a relationship with a female sex addict would not be a good thing. But we didn't delve too far into that conversation. Maybe this week we might. Carla is quite sexy and appealing to me. The fact that she is an addict makes me think she would understand me more. Perhaps be more understanding of my actions. More understanding of relapses. Maybe be more exciting in bed as opposed to my current life of celibacy with my wife.
It's just fucking amazing how my mind just jumps to so many conclusions without even consulting the other person. I've spent some time talking to Carla and I've got no issues with seeing myself with her. I really don't know that much about her. But my need for a relationship would put me right in the middle of one with her without much thought. Damn near my whole life has been filled with empty relationships. Thinking that someone else could fill this void in me. Only I can fill the void and then I hope to be able to be in a healthy relationship. I've got a lot of growing to do.
Back to my online journal and sharing it with others. When Carla showed it to Michael, who then became a follower, I realized that I wasn't ready to have my journal shared with others. I like Michael and have no issues talking with him about myself and my life. But I want my journal to be about me and my thought process. I don't want to be interfere with by thinking that someone is reading my journal and I must impress someone or that I'm writing for someone. I'm writing for me right now. Down the road, when I'm further in my recovery, perhaps I'll open the journal up again so that others could read. But I'm not ready for that right now. I've spent too much time in my past trying to please others instead of myself. I've got to figure out how to please me and how to get my life on the right track.
I've got to finish writing my first step so that I can mentally move on to the second and third steps. I believe I'm putting up an internal roadblock by not doing the first step, thus mentally not allowing myself to bring a higher power into my life. Another crazy mental game being controlled by my addict. He's a fucking strong asshole. Keeps crawling into my life in any crevice he can. Shows his head, stirs things up and slips away before I can get a hand on him to throw him out of my life.
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