It's Wednesday morning. About 6:20. Garbage truck is outside doing it's round in the neighborhood. Apparently when I was very young, I told my Dad that I wanted to be a garbageman. It still appeals to me. Driving around and cleaning up your town. A thankless job but very, very necessary to society.
Today I guess I could say I'm a garbage man of sorts, cleaning up my life. I'm sitting in my room in the lazy boy recliner typing this. But I can look at my desk and it's an absolute mess. Nothing but a bunch of papers and trash on it. I don't want to clean or will not spend the time and effort to clean it. It's almost asif it's a symbol of my life. That if I take the time to clean it, I will have more clarity in my life. Sounds a little silly but I think there is some truth to that. If I slowly, bit by bit, clean up areas of my life, my life will change. I will be letting go of the old me. The me that is all messed up. Yes I want that part gone. Yet part of me still clings to it as if it was good. As I sit here writing this, my eyes are welling up a little. I'm feeling a little sad. My addict wants to leave a door slightly open to my past. Just so I could slip back there occasionally. It sounds tantalizing but it's not a good place for me.
What is so exciting about fucking some girl that you don't know? No. What is so exciting about fucking some girl that you paid to fuck? She doesn't care for you. She's probably on drugs or alcohol. She's never emotionally present with you. She just want me to explode so she can be on her way. Other than the money I paid her, I'm completely meaningless to her. And somehow, this fucked up mindset of mind wants to leave a door slightly open to that world. I'm not going to solve my issues of intimacy chasing down prostitutes. I'm not going to resolve my issues of love, self-esteem or worthyness by fucking anyone I can pay to fuck. I've always wanted some sort of quick fix to my life. Something that I could do that would magically unlock a room of secrets to life. A room that was filled with answers and solutions that didn't need any work from me to be applied to my life. Thinking or feeling that fucking some prostitute would lead to some sort of relationship with her and then somehow magically change my life is just complete nonsense. It would lead to nothing but more chaos and confusion in my life. To think that some girl that's fucked hundreds of guys would pick me to have a relationship is complete craziness. Sex is not even close to great with these girls. Occasionally good but ususually not so good. Weak orgasms. I'm not very sexually excited by the looks of the girl. No emotional bond. Almost a look of disgust on the face of some of the girls during the whole proceeding.
So I'm left with my thoughts of this magical room of cures for my life. And the words of my father ringing in my head. I was once talking to him about my career and career ambitions. He said that someone doesn't get promoted or advanced without doing the work. I understand that thought completely. I believe it very much. Yes, there are cases where individuals do advance through a company without doing the work. But they usually revolve around being family members. So I'm left to doing the work if I want to accomplish something in my work life. I believe that also rings true for the rest of my life too. This magical room with immediate answers or cures to my life is a fantasy. The hope of the lottery. Having won a big financial windfall in a lawsuit has proven to me that there is still work to be done. A lot of work for me. My issues will not go away just because someone drops a bunch of money in my bank account. That money may very well escalate my addictive behaviors. Unless I do the work to find balance and a positive lifestyle for myself.
As I write the above thoughts I find my body getting a little emotionally upset. I'm feeling somewhat depressed and want a sexual release to get out of this hole that I've thought my way into. I'm not going to act out but I'm becoming more and more aware of different times that I find myself wanting a sexual release to deal with my emotions. Wow, it's crazy that all my emotions well up inside me and then head down to my cock and want to be released there. The desire and goal for the future is recognize this when it's happening and deal with these feelings in a more positive way. So I'm going to end here and head out for a walk. Get some fresh air and movement into my body.
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