Just did my morning drive to Starbucks and I think Tony Robbins is working the drive-thru. "Good morning and welcome to Starbucks and the start of a new day!" Wow. I wanted to say it was a little too early for such positivity but it felt a bit refreshing. I was a bit cynical in response as I said the day started six hours ago. My impulsivity had taken over control of my brain and I couldn't find the stop button. Yet, I liked the comment and felt it was a great way to start the day. Too many times we are greeted with just a hohum "hello, how are you?". So it was a good change. Every day is special a new beginning. Yes, many things are continuing on from a previous day but we still get to decide how we wish to attack things in our life. Do we wish to be positive or negative? Deciding to be positive when you roll out of bed has to be a better way to start the day than deciding to be negative or cynical when the day starts. So Mr. Positive it is today!
Sandy left yesterday so Martha and I both got to relax a bit. She ended up taking a nap during the day while I was at my therapist. Had a good therapy appointment. Talked about a few different things but nothing really too much in depth. We talked about me doing my first step in a month or so. She asked if I would read it to her. I didn't respond to that question but I've got no issues reading it to her. It will give her more insight into me which is a good thing. I apologized for not finishing the work that we had agreed to last week but told her how it was next to impossible with Sandy here. Just could not find any quiet time. I also told her how I missed my sharing time with Martha. In a strange way that could be a good thing, since Martha and me were semi-forced to take a break from each other in this recovery journey. Gave each of us some time to just be occupied with something else for awhile. Talking to Martha last night, she also said that she missed sharing and talking with me. That was good for me to hear.
In talking to my therapist, she thought that after my first step I could be ready to be a sponser for someone. I like the thought but part of me is very scared of the commitment. I feel like I should know the end of the story before I start showing someone the way. But I have to remember that their journey is not my journey. Perhaps I could be a temporary sponser to someone and just help them through their first step. Then they could potentially find someone else to help them with their other steps. Or perhaps I could help them initially on their way, lending them support and guidance, and let whatever happens to happen. It's interesting how just contemplating this can make you look at your own decision making process. Today though, I am going to work on my first step and I'll let being a sponser take a back seat. I've got no need to worry about that today. So I won't. And that's just fine.
Martha told me last night that she finally got around to taking the "Post Traumatic Stress Index" profile yesterday online. Her therapist had wanted her to take it. I had taken mine back in mid June. Basically, we 'have taken the time to search your inner self and your past, and it may be that you have discovered that events from long ago are still adversely affecting you today'. I scored high in three areas, Posttraumatic Stress Reactions, Traumatic Organization and Traumatic Orbitohyperactivity. I'll go deeper into what each of those means or the typical symptoms of them, but I could relate very well to each of them. I like to compartmentalize my life, I have a secret life, I'm impulsive, I have outbursts of anger, I get stuck thinking about things, as if I am caught in a loop in my thinking, and I feel unable of experiencing certain deep emotions.
So I've still got plenty to explore with myself. It's been a good solid four months of recovery with me going to therapy and 12 step meetings. I know I'm in a much better place than I was then. I understand quite a bit more about my addiction. And I understand more about myself. I know I'm not healed. I know I have a lot of work to do. But I also understand that I can do the work and want to do the work. I still know where the journey is going to end or how I'm going to get there. But I know that taking the journey is very important. I don't need to know the end. I just have to keep taking my steps on my journey.
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