I've got no idea what today's date is. I thought it was the 10th but in checking the computer's calendar I see that it's the 11th. I just lost a day. Seriously though, it is strange at time, being unemployed and not really keeping track of time or dates. Life moves at a slightly different pace. Some of that pace is good. Some is not.
Spent quite a bit of yesterday taking it easy. Took a nap and was back in bed at 9:15pm. Probably could have slept in later but the alarm went off for my wife and my head was/is hurting from a sinus headache. Took some pills for that. I've been down to Starbucks and got my mocha to start the day. Got Mookie fed. He was smart enough to head back to bed afterwards. Talk about living the life.
As I wrote earlier, I had a pretty relaxing day yesterday. Did go for a walk in the morning. We went to Red Robin for lunch and then to Fred Meyer to do a little shopping. Came back home. I went in the spare bedroom and turned the Giants/Braves game and fell asleep. Woke up around 4:15 to catch the end of the game. Then had some dinner and watched the Phillies game. Cole Hamels pitched a great game as the Phillies won the game and the series. Love the Phils! Watched a little more tv and then headed off to bed. My body was telling me it needed some sleep.
Did my daily readings for my recovery and did my exercise, but that was it. Wait, I also did read Week 2 in the Artist's Way book. So I've got an idea of what I'm suppose to be doing for that. But that was all the recovery work I did. Today I've got to get back to tracking my recovery. Will be going to a meeting today. Probably two of them. Frankly, I'm getting a little tired of going to them. There is definitely some benefit to going but it's tiring, and occasionally a little frustrating, to set aside 1.5 to 2 hours a day for a meeting in the middle of the day. I've got to get going on finishing up my 90 day Prep work, so I may skip the noon meeting today and go to the night meeting.
I changed up my blog slightly as I took away the ability of someone to be a "follower" of the blog. I like the idea but I'm not ready for that yet in my recovery. I noticed that when someone started "following my blog" I watched a little bit of what I wrote. I felt a little self conscious while writing. I've got to allow my writing to be completely honest, blunt and go wherever it needs to go. I can be watching my thoughts. I must be able to freely express them. Somewhere down the road, I will revisit this option of "followers" but right now I must do what is right for me.
It was a little stupid of me to tell someone about my blog and then give them access to read it. I think it was vanity on my part to want to share my recovery. Maybe it was my addict telling me to share, knowing what would start to happen with my writing and then my recovery. While isolation and not sharing my life with others is very typical of addicts, keeping my writings to myself is a very positive step. I am not isolating by doing this. I am exploring my life, my feelings, my recovery and journey. It is good for me.
Martha's brother called yesterday. He lives out in Indiana. He's been married to his second wife for about 10 years now. Apparently things are not going so well in his marriage either. He believes his wife is cheating on him with her ex. He's seen her car a few places it probably shouldn't be. She's been drinking quite a bit, which historically she has not done. His gut is telling him that she's been lying to him about different things. So he's pondering divorcing her. I feel bad for her brother. He's a nice guy and I like him. When I think of what I've done to Martha in comparison to Libby's done to Carroll, I again wonder why my wife hasn't filed papers to divorce me.
Damn I hate how everything turns back to me. But I guess that's part of this journalling. Looking at myself. Comparing myself to others. I'm not writing for others, so I guess I will accept it. If I can learn from the actions of others, that would be a good thing. My therapist calls it "consultation". One can talk to another about something and get their viewpoint and thoughts on that subject. You can then take those thoughts and feelings and re-evaluate your position/thoughts. It's not saying one's position is right or wrong, just getting some consultation.
So today I am planning on getting back to my recovery work. I will accept this temporary lapse in my recovery work and move on. Again, I do accept that my recovery will have an occasional valley or lack of work. But if I do reflect a little on the lapse and what's going on there, atleast I am learning a little more about myself. Life will not allow every day to be exactly like you would like it to be. Some days will be different. That difference will bring variety to your life, which is good. That difference gives me the opportunity to look at things a little differently and see what I could make positive changes with.
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