Don't know where to start. My mind is still reeling a little bit from yesterday afternoon. I sent off the text message to Carla yesterday afternoon. Haven't heard from her but have heard from her friend Scott. He's a nice guy but also has had an affair with Carla and is a member of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. He comes to the Monday night and Tuesday night meetings that I go to. He's called me a few times but did not leave any voice mail. He's texted me twice saying he would like to talk to me about the situation with Carla. I'm really not looking to drag anyone into my affairs. But I don't really wish to be harrassed by someone either. It's very nerve racking for me. I finally texted him back saying to give me some time and space and that I would give him a call in a day or two.
I've been mulling over in my mind what I'd like to say and I think I will finally write something down so that I don't ramble when I talk. I'm an addict. I've had two episodes after talking with Carla that have driven me to the edge. She has done nothing or said anything sexual in nature to me to try to put me there. It is me putting myself there. I made a mistake by sharing my blog/journal with her. It's for my recovery. I don't think all of my motive's in sharing it with her were pure. She's an attractive woman and as an addict I am sometimes unable to stop my mind when it gets on it's way. I'm sorry that me ending this relationship is painful or even hurtful to her. My intention is not to hurt her. My intention is save me. And me having a conversation with Carla about this issue will not serve me well. I am not ready at this time to have that conversation. This addiction is cunning, baffling and very hard to deal with. It comes at you at times you least expect it. So when I see something that is obviously not good for me, I need to remove it. Again, I'm sorry if this hurts Carla but I am working on my recovery and finding safe places and relationships for me.
That felt good to write and I feel some peace coming over me. I know that ending this relationship is the right thing for me. I need to keep my mind focused on my recovery and when I see myself taking a step back, to look hard at what is causing that. Also, the first thing I did when I got on my blog/journal this morning was to block Carla from looking at it. That felt right.
Martha seemed to have a good session with her therapist yesterday. I had given her a copy of my Eroticized Rage worksheet to discuss with her therapist. Bad mistake. I should have just told her what I wanted to say and then have her discuss it with her therapist. My thought was to let her know that we needed to have more intimacy in our relationship. I went further though and showed her my worksheet which was saying that I was anger at myself for being in the relationship I'm in and that's it's misdirected anger. It's really anger at not communicating in our relationship. But also on the worksheet was a review of my acting out in the past. Apparently I had not clearly identified having sex with anonymous women in my previous discussions with Martha. So she was hurt by that. Understandably so. I'm sure my addict wasn't too clear on everything I had done with I disclose my acting out to Martha. So we discussed the worksheet a little and what her therapist thought of it. Her therapist was not happy that I shared it with Martha. That worksheet is for me and my recovery. She thought I was doing some good work but that it was wrong of me to share. She also wondered if my therapist said to share the worksheet with Martha. She had not.
This conversation, coupled with the Carla relationship ending, really makes me realize how much I am alone in this recovery. I got my self into it with my acting out and isolating myself. And not I've got to use those same strengths and qualities in a positive way to get myself out of this. I feel like I'm at the bottom of a mountain trying to roll that boulder back to the top. I don't know where the top is. I don't know where there are any plateaus so I can relax for a few minutes. I don't know where there are detours. I know nothing of the topography. I'm like Lewis and Clark heading west. Only I don't have a map or all the tools right now. I have to take it on faith that I will get the tools and glimpses at a map in the future. They wrote books about those guys. Maybe someday a book will be written about me. One can always hope.
Around 7:30 or so last night, I had finally had enough and just had to go into the spare bedroom and break down and cry. It felt good. I really just wanted to curl up in a ball and evaporate. Martha finally came in there and wanted to talk. I really did not want to talk. I had no problem if she stayed there with me but I just wanted to be. She ended up leaving the room after about five minutes. A little later I came out and told her that I didn't want to have a conversation but that I was feeling overwhelmed, scared and just did not like that I had to do this recovery shit alone. I understand I got myself there, but it's still very painful. I then took an anxiety pill, finished my 90 day Focus book and went to bed.
I'm appreciating the writing request of The Artist's Way. It's nice to get up every morning and start writing. I was talking with Martha about it yesterday. She says she's having some occasional problems finding something to write about. I told her that I've really not had much of a problem yet. My mind keeps coming back to my recovery. She did tell me that there is more to the world than just my recovery. I felt as though it was a way for her to say to go find a job. I don't know if that is what she truly meant. Just what I thought when she said it. And it's hard to disagree with that. I really do think having a job would be a good thing. But I would much rather have a career that excites me. One that drives me to work and stay focused. Rewards me for my efforts and allows me to expand and grow. I know it's there. And I know I will find it.
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