Just got back from Starbucks. Slept in til 7:30. Fell asleep out in the living room after Martha and Sandy went to bed. Woke up around midnight and headed down the hall to the bedroom. Tossed and turned all night. Kept hearing the drip of a drop of water on our roof gutters. Very annoying. Usually we don’t keep our bedroom door closed but since Sandy’s here, it’s closed at night. Apparently there’s a little space left when the door is closed, so it was moving a little all through the night. Annoying.
Finally got to sleep and was dreaming about some monsters (that looked a bit like aliens) chasing me. They didn’t like light so I was pretty safe during daylight hours. But at night or in the darkness I had to be very aware of them or they could come and get me. It wasn’t a scary dream and I really wasn’t scared of them. But the monsters were not friendly and wanted to take me to a bad place. Waking up and reflecting upon the dream I see that the monsters were my addiction or addict. The dark or night symbolized isolation of myself. Being safe during daylight hours meant that I was safe in my recovery if I kept working my plan, thus seeing the light of my recovery.
Spent some time yesterday cleaning out the gutters on the roof. Also tried to spray down some of the moss on the roof with the hose. That worked better on the front side of the house as the nozzle spray from the hose gun was better. I got the gutter pretty clean. Would just like to figure out how to keep the downspouts cleared of debris. That really seems to be the issue. Also want to get on the roof and get rid of the moss on the roof. There’s some on our walkway out front that I want to get rid of. Will probably try to get rid of that today. Moss is very pretty in the forest. I just don’t want it on my house.
I’m gonna spend a few hours away from the house today and work on some of recovery workbook stuff. Not exactly sure where I’m going to go to do it but I need to get away and have some time alone to do it. It’s very important to me. Having Sandy here with us is not a vacation for me at all. Martha is doing her best to keep Sandy occupied but it does get a little tiring. Sandy loves to talk. Is even talking to herself when she uses her laptop. I’ve often wondered why people do that. Maybe just have to have some noise? Or have to have someone talking so they don’t hear the roar of their own mind? I don’t know.
As I stated in an earlier post, I haven’t worked my recovery program very much while Sandy’s been here. It’s difficult. I want to be a good host and not let Sandy feel abandoned while she’s here. Martha and me haven’t had much time to talk to each other. We haven’t done our nightly readings and sharing. She’s been very good about doing her writing in the morning. So that’s good. But it is difficult to do some of this work, especially the work that requires some peace and quiet for self reflection, when there is someone around that is not aware of your addiction.
I did spend some time yesterday working a little on my life’s timeline of significant events and relationships. So that was good. I’ll do some more today. I’d like to have my first draft of my first step done by November 15. That would give me two weeks to refine it. I’m sure it will initially be longer than I want it to be. But through rewrites/revisions it will get consolidated into a more manageable length. I’ll also take one of my therapy sessions and read it to my therapist. I might even give her a copy and see if she can go through it writing notes and questions for me to address. Today though
I WILL SEIZE THE DAY!!!
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