I just took a quick look back at my online journal. Just wanted to get some sort of date of my recognition of my sexual addiction. June 10th would have been the first date that I picked up any Sexual Addiction materials. So it's been a little over 4 months that I've been working steady on my recovery. It's been up and down. Probably just like many others suffering from an addiction. For the most part though it has been good. As I've written many times before, I do wish it could 'work' faster. But if it took several years to get me here it will take a bit of time to get my mind straight again. I honestly think I will end up in a better place in the end of this process as I will feel much more comfortable in my own skin. I will like me and the path I have chosen to live. I can see small changes going on and I hope that these changes will stay. I know I won't be perfect and will have a slip or temporary mental relapse but I am building the skills necessary to not let these slips get the best of me and send me deeply back into my addiction.
I have to be very aware of me writing or saying anything about me possibly having a slip. I do not wish to have any slips but I know there will be occasional set-backs. Maybe they will be hitting a plateau in my recovery? Or just surfing online to see some naked women? I don't know. But I have to be gentle with myself if that does happen. It is not the end of the world. If it does happen, I need to quickly go and trace back to what was the trigger. And I very much have to continue to do recovery work.
I've got a busy day or days ahead of me today. The insulation guys are coming by today to do some work under the house. I'm excited about that. Hopefully that work will go smoothly too. But I've got to exercise. Then I've got some painting of closet doors in the bedrooms to do. SAA meetings to go to. Therapy session on Wednesday followed by league bowling at 4:30. I've got to figure out how to use the steamer for the carpets so I can use it on Tuesday or Wednesday. I've got to clean up my spare room of all the clutter. I want to take stuff down to the Goodwill store. I'd also like to get a leaf blower so I can gather all the leaves in the yard and put them in the street to be picked up. Still need to clean my bathroom. And I've got some work to do in my recovery workbooks.
I guess it's a good sign that I am putting a list together of things to do. I need organization in my life to keep me going in a positive way. I really don't need a lot of downtime boring me so I end up looking for things to keep me occupied. I'm actually feeling like I might start looking for some work again soon. Crazy to write that sentence. There is an exercise in one of my recovery workbooks relating to a 3 year or 5 year plan for my life. Guess I will put that high on my list of things to do over the next few days. I really do want to get my life back on track. Not working is good on the one hand but extremely self esteem diminishing on the other. Work is definitely a big part of my self worth. I wanted to write that it's not necessarily the job but just working. But as I started to type that, I knew that was wrong. It is the job that is important to me. I have to not find a job but a career that I will find rewarding. That has been a big part of my self esteem issues and the downward spiral of my life.
Since graduating from college in 1982, I've probably had 10-15 jobs. I've never progressed in my job stature. I've actually had instances where I've taken job demotions. But here it is 28 years later and I feel like I'm really not much past an entry level job in the work world. So my continual thoughts of "A Job Cure" for all my woes was not the answer. "Relationship Cures" didn't work either. Nor did "Geographic Cures". Looks like there's only me to look at now. I need a "Kevin Cure".
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