Well, I made it to Red Bluff. That's good. Not so sure about the rest of it. I found that spending 7+ hours driving alone in a car makes for a long ride for an addict. Somewhere in Southern Oregon, my mind started to wander and then start obsessing about tracking down a prostitute last night when I finally made it here. I had ideas of how to track a girl down but since Red Bluff is such a small town, I really didn't know if there were any massage parlors (though I doubted it). So I was going to be left to surfing the net. I started to obsess about what websites I could go to. I also thought about being sure to cover up my tracks so my wife can't obviously find some trail on my computer.
This is one fucked up disease. I started the day, or atleast I thought I started the day feeling so good. My therapy session went pretty good. Enjoyed it. Maybe I'm not supposed to enjoy my sessions. Maybe I'm supposed to walk away emotionally drain. Maybe my recovery is not going as good as I think. That last sentence is my addict talking. I may have an occasional slip into middle circle behaviors or even inner circle behaviors. I don't know. I'm full of questions right now. I know I'm moving in the right direction yet it does hurt to take these steps backwards. I'd like to just click my heels and be done with this recovery shit.
So somewhere in Northern California on I5, I put in a Patrick Carnes cd to listen to. I found it very soothing. I listened to it three times (it was short) as I was driving and felt my obsessiveness going away. Finally I had enough of his voice and just turned the radio/cd player off and finished my drive without any background noise. That felt too. Got to my hotel about 7:30. And damn if the first thing I wanted to do was get on the internet and start searching. FFFUUUCCCKKKK!!!!
But I couldn't do too much as I had to call my wife and check in. My addict made sure to take care of the prioritizing of time. I spent about 20/30 minutes online searching. I felt my body chemistry changing as I started my chase. I guess it's good that I am recognizing these physiological responses in my body. Didn't have much luck finding anything here, though there was a few possibilities about 1/2 hour away.
So I gave my wife a call and we chatted awhile. I could tell I was not all there. Couple that with her having difficulty hearing, especially on the phone and I didn't like the call at all. I end up having to repeat myself or asking her to repeat herself and it gets frustrating. Throw in that we were having to share our daily meditation readings. But mostly I knew I didn't want to be on the phone. I didn't want to be having that conversation. I didn't care about what I was reading. I didn't care about what she was saying. I only wanted to get back to my addict.
I want to cry right now. I'm not liking what I'm writing. I'm not liking this part of me. I'm not liking that my addict is so fucking powerful. I'm powerless over this shit. And I'm tired of it..
Writing that last short paragraph felt good. I felt my eyes starting to well up. But I had to stop typing and change my thoughts. I don't want to go deep into my emotions. I don't want to become an emotional wreck. I don't know how to express my emotions, other than through anger. I have to get through this emotional issue with myself.
I ended the phone call with my wife and got back to surfing the net. Still no luck. Finally I decided to drive around this little town and maybe find something appealing. Maybe I could go to a bar and find a barfly to fuck. Maybe there will be some girl trying to hitchhike by herself. How does the addict come up with this shit. But drive I did. Couldn't find anything I wanted to explore further. So I decided to drive down I5 to the nearby casino. Twenty minutes later I pulling money out of my pocket and putting it in the slot machines. Hey I was up $45 at one point. I promptly lost that and ended up about $80 down. The whole time I'm walking around and searching for any sign that some female wanted some action. I've never picked up a girl at a casino before. Don't know why I thought this time would be any different? Had no luck there so I headed back to the hotel room.
Back to the internet. Still no luck. At some point it became today and I said "enough is enough". I just jerked myself off and ended going to bed. Could have done that 4 hours earlier and saved myself the emotional turmoil that comes with this fucking disease.
I thought I wanted to make this trip to visit family. Yet as I thought about that this morning, I find that my addict had some alternative motives. He made sure that I made reservations at hotels as opposed to staying with family. He wanted to make sure I could have some fun. I sense that I'm not done with this damn acting out. It's making me realize that I've got to go deeper emotionally into myself. Much deeper. Yes I've made some progress but I know there's more digging to do.
I sit in my SAA meetings and I wonder where all this pain is coming from when others are sharing. I hear their shares and feel their pain. But I wonder how people have those kinds of emotions. I'm realizing that I'm still detaching myself from everything in my life. Detachment is the easiest thing to do in my life. I can just go into my own world. My own rules. My own sense of reality. FUCK YOU MR. ADDICT!!! GET OUT OF MY LIFE!!!
I want to spend the rest of the morning working my workbooks and my program but I've got to take a shower and go play some golf with my brother and one of his sons. Then see some more family. I am looking forward to this time. Some needed sanity.
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