So this is day one of my mind's data dump. It's 8:55 in the morning and I must write for the next 20 minutes. I've never done a lot of journaling and I do find it difficult to keep up with my journalling of my life and recovery here. I think I must have important things to write about, or it's really not that important to do. In writing the other day about masterbation, I found myself excited and ended up masterbating in bed later that night. I couldn't get to sleep and was not sleeping with my wife, so I masterbated to relieve the tension I was feeling. I spend so much time tossing and turning every night when I go to bed, I find it difficult to sleep. Many nights I wake up and can't go back to sleep. My mind just keeps racing with thoughts. I guess they mean something, but more importantly to me, I believe that it means I need to rid my mind a lot of confusion, uncertainty and a constant unsettled feeling. And this is where I see that journalling can help me very much. With my mind racing so much, constantly on the go, I need it to find a settled place so I can focus on me and putting my life in a positive place. I know that I'm moving there. I can feel it. Everyday I feel a little better and better. I'm enjoying people more and feeling less isolated. I'm feeling that I can participate in life more and more everyday. I want to do some things, not just isolate. Not only do I want to do things, I'm actually suggesting things to do and being present while doing them. I like that feeling very much. Feeling present is a great feeling as it makes me enjoy everything else so much more. Yes I've still got times where I feel like isolating, but I am getting better at recognizing the isolation and fighting it.
I was talking to my wife about isolation last night as the subject came up in our daily meditation readings that we read to each other at night. She said that earlier in her life when she was seeing a therapist over depression, that they came up with the word "nonsense" to verbalize everytime she recoginized that feelings of depression were coming upon her. My wife suggested that I might do something similar when I notice feelings of isolation coming upon me. I verbalized the word last night a few times, even though I didn't need it, and it felt good. I liked how it was an immediate response that what I was doing was full of nonsense and had no positive reason. So I'd like to try to use it whenever I can. I need something to snap me back to a positive place.
Speaking of positivity, in yesterday's meeting, someone shared about how he really didn't want to have a relationship with someone in his life. He shared that he really didn't care to have to open up with that person and share his emotional life and have the other person share their emotional life. He's divorced and currently single. While I don't know much about the person, I found it sad that he is stuck in isolation. And I started to think a little more about isolation in myself. I was struck that I am a more negative person when I'm isolated. Everything starts to look darker and darker. All the news is bad. Or if it's good, I can put my isolated, cynical mind dark spin on it. I find that I can't find anything positive. My focus gets smaller and smaller. I'm not willing or able to listen to anyone. I want everything done my way. I want people to agree with me or I don't want them around. I think most other people are stupid, ignorant and don't care about me.
Wow, that was some dark thoughts I just wrote. I'm thinking that much of isolation has a big relationship to being depressed. Of course, in sexual addiction, someone can't share what's going on in their life, so they've got to isolate themselve. And there starts the circle of sexual addiction. Ever so powerful, it drives you deeper and deeper into yourself, away from others and into your warped sense of reality.
Damn, that felt great to write. I feel very good after day one of this data dump.
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