Aaaaaaauuuuuuuuugggggggghhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!! Sandy, our former neighbor, is here. Okay, I like her. But she loves to talk and talk and talk. I want to be a good host. I really do. But I've got to figure out how to give me some time alone to regenerate my batteries. Constant noise is very irritating to me. I've also got to figure out how to do my recovery program with someone else here. I feel very rude excusing myself to go into another room. But I need to do it. I've just got to be nice when excusing myself and then go have some quiet time by myself.
I'm sitting in the bedroom typing this and Martha is writing her daily "Artist's Way" entry in her journal. Probably writing about me being stressed out somewhat yesterday. I can understand that. Even though I was stressed out I really had no desire to act out at all. I just wanted quiet time and some peace while watching the baseball playoff game. I want to watch the game. I don't really want to sit and visit with people while I'm watching a playoff game with my favorite team. Other teams in a playoff game, I can sit and visit. Watching the Super Bowl, I am more inclined to want it to be quiet. I'm not a big party guy on Super Bowl Sunday wanting all sorts of talking, yelling, constant commenting going on.
I've also missed the last few days in my 90 Focus workbook. I'd like to do some more recovery work today. Hoping that somehow I can. I'll try to excuse myself and go into my spare room and do some. Might even clean up the room a little. Wouldn't that be nice. I still need to look at my 3 circles and possibly rework them a little. I've got to do my "Fire Drill" exercise, which will show me what actions to take when I start getting close to acting out. Who to call, exercise, deep breathing exercises, etc..
After having lunch with my sponser last week, I'm thinking I want to get my first step over by my birthday in December. Just want to start my new year fresh. A new beginning. With a little effort it could be done. I've got quite a bit of material I can use already. I still have work to do. There's no question about that. It doesn't have to be perfect but I've got to get it done. I believe it will be a big step in my recovery. It will allow me to move forward and start embracing my new life, my new self, my new dreams and desires.
I've got some good timelines put together for my first step writings as well as some indepth writing for different portions of the timeline. It's definitely over half done. More writing to do and then refining and shortening what I've got. I don't want it to be over 30 minutes long when I read it. I don't need to go into details about sexual exploits as it really is a story about loss of self through a dysfunctional family and upbringing. It's me trying to come to grips with myself having been raised in an emotional vacant home, lacking the ability to show my emotions in a positive way. And not being able to address that issue to any substantial ending. Instead when given the financial resources I chose to go search for my emotions in a crazy way, chasing down sex partners and turning my life into an emotionally vacant pit.
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