It's 7:54 a.m. and I'm already a little off kilter. Didn't sleep through last night. Got up about 4 and moved to the spare bedroom and turned the tv on. Really nothing on but the distraction of the noise put me to sleep. Heard my wife get up to get ready to go to work and went back to sleep. Then got up around 7. Did my daily meditation book readings and went and got some coffee. Drove back from starbucks listening to sports talk on the radio. I found myself wanting to sit in the car and listen since they were talking about the Ducks game from the weekend and it's ramifications in the polls. I caught myself debating between that or coming inside and doing my morning writing. I decided I had to do this. When I walked in the house and turned to the kitchen I realized I had tonight's dinner sitting on the kitchen counter waiting for me to prep. Since we're having stew cooked in a slow cooker, I decided to prep it, put it in the pot and turn it on. Then I'd be done with it. But I also was wanting to do this.
Finally I got to getting my computer, opening it up and sitting down. I got internet explorer opened and went to the OregonLive page. My phone rang. It was the Opthomologist office from Kaiser wanting to set up an eye appointment. I got one set up for tomorrow morning at 10:15. I feel good about that. If my left eye can be fixed I will be estactic. For the past 4.5 years it has bothered me. I don't feel good about it and it is also a daily physical reminder to me about the consequences of my addiction and acting out. I've always like to think I was a healthy individual and prided myself on that. Of course, like most people, age caught up to me. And then my addiction just escalated things. I just would not do anything healthy for myself. I thought "why concern myself with that, if I'm just gonna go out and continue with this other unhealthy behavior?". Just a lot of messed up thinking going on in my brain with this addiction.
I feel fortunate that I've started to address it. I've decided that I want recovery instead of a daily addiction filled with acting out. So I'm trying to make healthy choices about me. Can I make them all at once? I wish I could but it is just too much to change. So my changes will come at a slower pace but one that I'm able to accept and incorporate into my life daily.
Last night I worked on my Personal Craziness Index. I came up with seven issues that reflect my day getting out of control. There's no particular ranking of them as they all are given an equal weight when keeping track of them. They are "Not Exercising", "Driving Aggressively", "Being short and abrupt with others", "Not doing my daily meditation readings", "Not working My Recovery Program", "Too much tv/radio distraction at home or in the car driving", and "Too much caffiene".
At the end of everyday, I am to ask myself if I did any one of these activities. If I did one, then I give myself a point on my Monthly Recovery Focus chart. My optimal score is Zero. I haven't score there yet. Of course I'm not perfect, so I can't be too hard on myself for those moments. This is a tool for me to recoginize my behaviors over a period of time. Hopefully the scores will trend downward over time. I also have another chart that I give myself 7 points daily for each one of these activities. I total the scores for the day and then total those scores for the week. I then get an average daily score for the week and can see how things are progressing. So far I seem to be doing okay with my scores showing a "Stable Solidarity" meaning "Recognizes human limits; does not pretend to be more than he is; maintains most boundaries; well ordered; typically feels competent; feels supported; able to weather crises".
I like these tools of recovery as they give me a quantitative measurement of where I'm at. If I spend the time being honest with myself doing my recovery work and honest with my daily activites, I can see how I'm progressing. The work is not always easy to do. And I feel that I'm not doing it as fast as I'd like. But I'm seeing progress and I know I'm moving forward in a good way. I feel support from my sponser, my SAA fellow members, my therapist and wife. I'm still bewildered by my wife's reaction/response to all of this. At the same time, she can see me almost every day working on my recovery. She knows that it's not all easy. But she is also seeing changes in me. And I can only contribute that to me doing my recovery work daily.
I really want to finish up with my first step and some other recovery workbook stuff before we start some couples counseling later this month. I think it will free my mind up somewhat and give me more emotional room to deal with the two of us as a couple. Right now I am trying to focus very hard on my recovery as an individual. I've got to start with me and get me on the right track.
But I also know as a couple we are moving forward in a positive way. I'm sharing my work with my wife and she is also opening up and sharing some of her work. We're talking to each other, which is a big, big change in our relationship. We're doing our daily readings to each other and discussing them. All in all I'm very pleased with the direction our relationship is moving. But I'm very scared of what might happen when we get into couple's counseling . I'm sure some issues will be brought up that will be very difficult to deal with. In the same breath, I'm open to going and trying it out. It will definitely help me learn how to deal with others in a positive way.
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