Well, I'm out of bed bright and early today. It's 5:11 as I start typing my daily entry. Martha has already beat me out of bed. I've got a busy day ahead of me, so I thought I would start it up early.
Had a long visit at the eye doctor yesterday. The doctor was running 30/35 minutes late. So be it. I was a little irritated until they came out and told us that she was running late. Then I just accepted it. Guess a little knowledge can go a long way. And then I found out again that I'm not the smartest guy in the world. Feeling kinda dumb now, but trying to learn from it. Apparently I don't have Horner's Syndrome in my eye, which is a great relief. So what caused the consistent redness? I've been using eyedrops that have some sort of anti-histimine in them. You're not supposed to use them on a daily basis, let alone as often as I was (5-6 times a day). Just as nasal sprays, the body has the reverse reaction to the active ingredient after awhile. So instead of making my eye better it ended up making it worse. So I now have some eyedrops without the antihistimine that I can use. I should try to go without any drops of any sort for a few days if possible.
I told Martha about this and she said that she had told me this before. I don't recall hearing her say anything. I wasn't doubting her word, just that I did not recall saying anything. She said that she just quit saying something to me about because I didn't want to listen to her. I really had no reply to that statement other than some laughter as I knew it was true. But it got me thinking about listening. I've always believed that I was a good listener yet I truly know that when Martha talks, I will just zone out, maybe nod my head and maybe verbally agree with what she says. I'm really not listening to her have the time. Pretty often, I'm telling her to speed up her thought process and verbalize her thoughts.
So I wondered some more about whom else I do this to. I'm pretty sure I do it quite a bit. But do I do it with doctors? Do I just care more about the immediate fix of a problem then to listen and hear, deep down, what they are saying? I'm not sure if this is my addict blocking people out or just a complete lack of people skills on my part. But I do know it needs to change.
Went to two SAA meetings yesterday. Got to the first one a few minutes late because of the doctor's appointment. My eyes were dialated and it seemed pretty bright in the room but I felt good being there. I didn't share though I was thinking of it. After the meeting I did share with two others about my recovery. I felt a little embarrassed though as one of them said I was very enthusiast in my recovery. I do feel good about my recovery so far. It isn't perfect. It's not going to be perfect. But I know that I am moving forward, contemplating quite a bit and trying to change my actions. I can see it. Martha can see it. My sponser can see it. My therapist can see it. So I feel good and I say that without any apologies.
The second meeting was a good meeting too. It's a smaller group and I always feel much more comfortable there because of that. I ended up sharing about feeling good about my recovery and that I appreciated everyone sharing in these meetings as it helps me quite a bit to hear the different shares, emotions and thoughts. After the meeting, I talked with another fellow about my feelings being similar to his at this stage of our recoveries. We talked about our current maritial situations. He thought that perhaps I was not being completely honest to myself about my desire to be in my relationship. Fuck. It hurts when something is obvious to someone else and not to yourself. That's two people that have recently said something along those lines to me in the past few months. I'm feeling irritated at myself over this. Why is it that I don't have the strength to delve further into this and not take action? Part of me feels that I have an addiction to Love, meaning that I must have someone around me to justify my exsistence. In talking to my therapist about this issue, I'm not so sure that she doesn't agree with me but wants me to understand that changing my relationship status does not cure me of what ails me. I do understand those thoughts. And I want to change ME! So I'll put those thoughts on hold a little, with part of me not wanting to address it right now and part of me understanding that I do need to address it soon. I'm tired of living any lies. I couldn't find the strength to walk out a few weeks ago when I told Martha that I had a brief relapse. It was only for a night that I wanted to leave for, but I couldn't even find the strength for that. Dammit, I'm very co-dependent upon her.
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