Well I got back to Portland last night around 10:15. That was a long drive. But it didn't seem as long as the drive down. Felt a lot less stress on this drive. It's like I was going back to "my" world as opposed to a world filled with constant distractions. Right now my world is a little bit saner and I'm able to limit distractions. Which might sound good but I noticed that when I was with others these past few days, I didn't obsess about anything sexual. I was just able to be present with them and it felt good.
When I got home my wife asked me if I had a good trip and did I accomplish what I wanted to accomplish. It was a good trip. As for any accomplishments, I was happy to see my family. Even at age 50, people can get home sick and want to see family. I think that is what I was feeling and needed. I would have liked to spend more time alone with some members of my family. But that is difficult to make happen. Most of them have family obligations of their own and can't spend much time away from their own family. So I've got to take what I can get.
I can say that I wasn't as faithful to my recovery program as I would have like to have been during this trip. I didn't attend any meetings. I didn't make any calls. I didn't do my journalling here. I didn't do anything on my 90-Day Focus workbook. I did my morning readings. Overall though, I felt pretty good. I think I would have felt better if I had done some recovery work.
My mind is really wandering this morning. I slept into roughly 8am. It felt very good. I needed the sleep. Probably will end up taking a nap later today too. And that will be good. Unless I can't sleep tonight. Oh, it will all work out in the end.
I was golfing yesterday with a friend of mine down in Sacramento. We used to golf quite a bit together when I lived there. He had also invited a friend of his to golf with us. Her name is Terri. They're both members of the same golf club. It was fun to play again with him. Good to see him. And his friend was nice too. But I was struck by the insanity of my addiction when somewhere on the back nine, we were talking about me moving to Portland. She was confused a little and asked for clarification about having a job before moving up here. I told her "no, we did not have jobs". She then said, "that sounds a little crazy". And I understood exactly what she was saying. I had no job lined up, left family and friends, and headed to a new place to start over in my late 40's. I wasn't offended at all by her comment, appreciating the sincerity and clarity.
But my addict at the time was able to convince me that a geographical move was the answer to my life. In fact, it probably even made matters worse for me. I needed help before I left Sacramento but just couldn't find help that would resonate with me. So off I went to Portland, putting myself in even more isolation. And the acting out started again. But one day insearching for a prostitute online, I found my therapist running an ad looking to help sex addicts with their problems. So that is one definite positive from the move up here. I have found some help and am working a recovery program. I am meeting new people with similar issues in my 12 step meetings.
So today is filled with hope for the future. I've got a busy day today. Got to do some laundry and get myself back on my program. I've got more things to reflect upon. More things to work on.
So I'll leave with my writing today with a quote from Archibald MacLeish, "The world was always yours; you would not take it."
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