Feel a little slow today. My head hurts a little. Not a migraine. Think I'm just stiff and sore from bowling yesterday. Did okay but felt quite embarrassed at first. Bowled horribly for the first game until the 10th frame when I got 29 pins. That finally relaxed me a bit. Never really put anything together in the other two games and ended up with a 145 average for the series. My normal average. Most of the bowlers in the league appeared to be retired or atleast half of the league is. Once I feel more comfortable I think it will be more fun. But was just very self-concious yesterday.
Sandy called and is going to be up here tomorrow instead of today. Her husband Mike is having his car worked on and it won't be ready until today. So that will delay her trip a day. Which is fine with me. Having a visitor for a week is a long time. Really throws me out of my routine. But it will good to see her.
Steam cleaned the carpet yesterday. They're not perfect but they definitely are quite a bit cleaner than they were. Wasn't too difficult to use the machine. Will be using it again today on the sofa. Woo hoo! I just love cleaning house.
Okay, enough of the small talk. Had my therapy session yesterday. It seemed to go okay though I felt like I was just ready to get up and end the session early. Mentally I just seemed to run out of energy to talk. Not sure if that was an unconscious reaction to our discussion during the session or what it was. Maybe it was my addict not liking the session? We talked about my relationship with my wife Martha, my thoughts about wanting to end the relationship or not and whether that would be good or not.
My therapist said that she thought I wasn't ready to safely end the relationship. That ending it would probably send me deeper into my addiction. That ending the relationship and heading back to California to be closer to my family was just another example of geographical and relationship cures. My family doesn't know anything about my addiction, so I would be able to start my life over again without all of this addiction recovery work. Moving to California would just be another starting over in a new geographical space. Martha is aware of my addiction and seems willing to work with me through this difficult time. That is a positive. I've got a support system being built here in Portland. I'm attending 12 meetings and people know me there.
I understand what I wrote and it should make me happy. But I don't feel happy. I feel sad. I feel a little overwhelmed. I feel a little lost. No I feel lost, unsure of myself and tired. I'm trying to put a happy face on my life but it's difficult at times. Can I just be down for a day and appreciate the reality of my feelings? Do I have to be super excited about my recovery every day?
Writing this is making me aware that I wish to just curl up and sleep. I want to isolate. Realizing that, I know I need to make a meeting today at noon. I've got to make sure I go out and exercise and get the blood flowing through my body. I don't have the time or opportunity(?) to allow myself to have self pity. Yes, I feel down. That is okay. I am allowed to feel down. I am allowed to feel the complete range of emotions. But I am not allowed to wallow in self pity. I get to recognize what I'm feeling and take action to make it better. I am allowed to write or journal about it. I am allowed to express my feelings with others in a positive way. I am allowed to talk to my wife about my feelings. I am allowed to be me, with all my feelings and thoughts. I don't get to do stupid, addictive things because I'm feeling down.
I am responsible for me. I am responsible for my recovery. I am responsible and will make good decisions. I will reach out to others for help. I will talk to others and allow others to talk to me about my feelings. I will express my thoughts through journalling exploring what they are and where they come from. I will grow in positive ways from my different feelings. Yes, I will have difficult times but I will grow stronger from them.
I love me. With all my faults, I still love me. I think, no, I know I am a good person. I am filled with much love for myself and the world around me. I am able to help myself through difficult times. I am able to allow others help me through those same difficult times. I am filled with a purpose and direction to help the world in a positive way. I am someone that people want to be around.
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