... it's kinda exciting. No. I should say I'm excited. Yesterday morning my wife got up while I was just starting day one of the Artist's Way. She was playing with our dog and I found it very disruptive to me. So I got up and left the room with my computer so I could do my morning writing with that distraction. A few minutes later I realized that I had left the room very abruptly without telling her what I was doing. So I showed her the book and said that part of my recovery was doing this morning writing. Every day. And that I really can't have distractions as I need to just empty my mind through this writing.
Well, she started to read the book. We went down to Powell's bookstore downtown later in the morning, and she picked up some writing journals. When I got home from my SAA meeting last night, she informed me to not disturb her in the morning as she had to do three pages of writing in the morning. She liked what she read in the book and thought that it could be very beneficial to her too.
Earlier in the day, the morning actually, she told me as we were driving down the highway that there is a lot of change going on in our lifes. That she was a little scared of that going on and that it may give her an occasional anxiety attack. I appreciated her sharing that with me. I know Martha is trying to embrace this change and I can also understand how it can be so stressful and anxiety ridden. Maybe I'll suggest that she someday write about the relationship of anxiety and change in her life. Not that she has to have any definite answers about it. Just putting her thoughts down on paper can take away the power that some of the anxiety has in her life. I know for me that writing is helping me come to a calmer place and be more accepting of things in my life and others, that in the past would have driven me crazy.
Yesterday, my Oregon Ducks played Stanford in football. Both teams were ranked in the top 10 of the polls. I wanted to watch the game very much. Very excited about. Just writing this gets my excitement level up. I can feel it. I knew there was a 12 step meeting happening at about the same time as half time in the game. I was debating in my mind if I should go to the meeting. I really didn't have an urgent need to go to the meeting as a crutch for how I was feeling yesterday. I felt fine all day. But I decided to go to the meeting because I have to change my life. I have to change my behaviors, my thoughts, my actions. I have to accept that everything in my life is not about feeding my immediate need. Or should I say that I have to accept and start making decisions that are for my long term good and not my short term satisfaction or excitement. It felt very good to make that decision. I felt a little stronger in my fight against this addiction because of it. I had a good time at the meeting. I shared my desire to watch the game and that I am now valuing my sobriety and recovery higher than my immediate desires. I am proud of the decision that I made last night and I know that it will help lead me to many more positive, life changing decisions.
I accept where I am today and I welcome the positive changes in my life.
I've been feeling good about my recovery lately. While I am currently unemployed, I am allowing that time to be time for me and my recovery. I'm trying to spend quite a bit of time reading, journalling, going to 12 step meetings and just exploring myself and my thoughts. Sometimes it may seem a little overwhelming. But I'm finding that I'm getting better at recognizing those times and stepping back a little. I'm afraid at the same time that perhaps I shouldn't be stepping back because I might be getting close to a realization of something. But all things happen in their own time.
Just an update of things coming up that I am excited about. I'm planning on driving down to California next week to see some family. Haven't seen them in awhile and I need some family time. Hope to play golf with one of my brothers. Also hope to spend time talking with him about growing up and our family dynamics. I also hope to see some nieces and nephews and hear what is going on in their lifes. It's always so dramatic when they start to talk about their lifes. Or should I say drama filled. But I enjoy it because it is the spirit of their life and being ever so present in it that brings that drama to the forefront.
I'm also hoping to talk to one of my nephews that is an addict. Alcohol and some drugs have been in his life for 10 years or so. He started in high school and had a few harrowing experiences. But I'm hoping I can reach out to him and let him know that I'm here for him. I can't fix him. I understand that. Yet I want to let him know he has some support in his family that understands what he is going through. I love him. I love all my nieces and nephews. I treasure the memories I have of all of them. And I want them in my life. So I've got to reach out to them. This is part of who I want to be in the future. I want family in my life. So if I have to work for it, then that is what I must do.
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