It's Friday morning. The sun is shining brightly down here in Red Bluff. I've already seen a houseful of kids be sent off to school. Tracked down a mocha at Starbucks for myself. Shoulders are sore from golf. Maybe I'll get Brittany to give me an upper body massage. But what a difference a day makes. Spent most of yesterday with the family here and it felt very peaceful. I didn't have an obsessive thought all day. It was filled with golf and then family. Talking, sharing stories, eating, watching a niece play some volleyball and then more sharing. It felt very different than the average day right now in my life.
I felt much more inner peace yesterday and loved it. I enjoyed seeing my family. Yes, little kids can be demanding of your time. They to have you watch them enjoy their little things in life. Hitting a ball off a tee in the backyard. Having races against each other. Wanting you to race them. Their minds constantly drift to the next exciting thing to do. They don't want to sit down and be still. They just want to do something fun. If they need to take a quick break to catch their breath, they'll just sit on your lap. Full of unconditional love and don't mind expressing it.
My brother's family is big. Very big. He's got 13 kids, ranging in age from 33 to 12 (or so, not quite sure of the youngest's age). Some of the kids now have kids of their own. So there's always a range of kids at the house. While I've grown to be very isolated and unwilling to share things, it's a near impossibility to share anything in my brother's house with anyone and for it to stay there. They're a very open family. The kids all know about each other's life, relationships and daily going ons. If they don't know, they're not afraid to ask. Sometimes, maybe a lot, it makes it difficult for me to share a lot when I'm there. I feel that all the kids don't need to know everything about me. It's not that I'm trying to hide things from them but that I don't want to have some conversations when I'm constantly being interrupted by a kid asking for a further explanation.
An example of this was wanting to give my brother a check to help one of my nieces with school. I didn't desire to do this infront of the whole family. In trying to track down my brother to talk with him, my youngest niece took me to where he was and then she wanted to just sit there and listen to the whole conversation we were going to have. Before I could say anything, she had said "Dad, Kevin wants to talk to you" and then "Kevin, what did you want to talk to Dad about?". At those times I notice that I have a difficult time just telling the child that I want to talk to her Dad alone. I know how to say those words but not in a loving caring way. Seems strange, but some of this basic, seemingly simple stuff is difficult for me. Where do people learn these skills if they don't learn them growing up?
My recovery work has lapsed a little the last few days. It's being interupted by life. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It's different. Getting up this morning I heard my brother reading from the Book of Mormon. As I walked downstairs to head to Starbucks, I see that the whole family is in the living room while the reading is going on. When I get back, the reading is over and kids are getting ready for their day. I sat and talked to my brother and sister-in-law about the daily spiritual reading and time they spend with their family. I love it. I really do. I'm not Mormon. Don't practice any religion. But I love the idea of have daily spiritual time. I told them that even though the kids may not know it right now, they are being given a gift by these daily readings. It is drawing them closer to a higher power and helping to keep them on a better path. Growing up we had no higher power to draw upon. We practice spirituality in no way. Today I feel the results of that. I told my brother and his wife that. I need spirituality in my life. I need and want a higher power in my life.
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