For some reason, I'm trying to avoid getting down to making this entry. Guess I just want to procrastinate and get back to trying to finish cleaning up the house for Sandy's visit. I've got a few things to do as well as having the insulation guys coming over for about half a day. I'm a little nervous since I've got to leave for a therapy appointment while they're here, inside the house. I have to take it on faith that everything will go good. I'm sure it will.
I'm liking the insulation. Woke up this morning and it's 67 degrees inside the house. That is a huge difference from where it use to be. Was not uncommon for it to be below 60 degrees when I would wake up.
I've got therapy to go to today at 10. I didn't complete my worksheet I had hope to finish for today's session. I'll probably rush through it a little later. I was excited when I talked to my therapist last week about it but have neglected doing extra work on my recovery. I'd really like to get through the 90 prep workbook as well as finish up any exercises in Facing the Shadows. There are important issues to address in those books yet I am avoiding doing the difficult work. My therapist would say that I'm not ready to do it, using a kind, gentle voice. While I understand what she is saying, I am tired of avoiding doing my internal searches for reasons of why I am like I am. I would like to address these issues and quit avoiding them.
I'm thinking it's time for me to start writing out a daily schedule of things to do. It would include time periods when I'm doing things, thus forcing me to stick to a schedule. I can schedule time for fun activities and all but I also would have to do other things that I would rather avoid.
Went to Tuesday night meeting. Was a good meeting. We ended up reading a story, out of the green book, that was a little disturbing. Just some triggering images and thoughts. Apparently I wasn't the only one who thought so, as three of us said similar things about the reading. It's a little difficult to sit in those meetings when a disturbing reading or share is going on. I can feel my body reacting to it. I have to force myself to stay. I start repeating the Serenity Prayer to myself. I try breathing exercises. I'll even temporarily shut myself down mentally and try not to pay attention to the reading. Yet, I also understand that I probably should delve deeper into way the story triggers me. I have somehow given this story or these images control over me. It's time for me to take away some, if not all, of their power.
It was a story about a gym teacher's voyeuristic life. He would spend time watching the high school girls in the locker room. I never really have done any voyerism but I think it would be very exciting. The thought of watching someone getting undressed. Watching her check herself out in the mirror as she touches her own body. The female body is very beautiful to me. I love the way it's shaped. It's curves. The small of the back leading down to her ass. The breasts telling me that they would love to be sucked. Her ass wanting to be grabbed. Massaged. Spanked. Throw in underage girls, from the story, and it gets even more exciting. The opportunity to see their blossoming bodies, needing, wanting to be devirginized.
As I typed that I also remembered the part of the story about the thrill of the chase. I very much can relate to that. The buildup and excitement prior to sexual climax is extremely exciting. My body is out of control with anxiety and emotions. I'm thrilled, sexually excited, scared that I might get caught, anxious and nervously anticipating seeing the girl for the first time and hoping that we'll emotionally be compatible. Hoping that she'll be the right person for me. Hoping that my life would change after this sexual experience. That everything would be right for me.
But sitting here typing, I can see how ridiculous that is. I'm paying some girl/woman for sex. Nothing more. Most of the women, if not all of them, have definite issues of their own, which are easier for me to just block out of my mind. If they become a person to me, I might not get excited. How could I tell some girl to suck my cock if she has just told me her problems and is crying? These women end up just being release valves for me. Yes, I could do it myself. It would save me money and a whole lot of emotional issues.
I never thought I had any sexual issues until I started to pay for sex. Initially I didn't think much of it. At some point in time though, I knew it was a problem. I knew I shouldn't be having this much sex out of my marriage. I knew I shouldn't be having sex out of my marriage. It was wrong. Morally wrong. Somehow I couldn't see that initially when I had sex with prostitutes. I think I just wanted the sexual thrill. It gave it to me but grew into something so much more vicious.
It's grown into an addiction now that I have to be very conscious of. I understand a lot more about what is going on and that it is ALL about my emotional self. The sex is just a release. But that doesn't mean I won't go back to having sex with prostitutes. I don't want to. Even if I wasn't married I don't want to. It's just not emotionally fulfilling. The feelings of shame, stupidity, craziness are just overwhelming. My life is thrown into complete upheaval.
Wow, all that from last night's reading.
No comments:
Post a Comment