6:10 in the morning and I'm up and at it again. Didn't sleep very well last night. Fell asleep, slept for a few hours and then tossed and turned for the rest of the night. Really not thinking about anything too big. Just restless. We've got some people coming over this morning to increase our insulation in the attic and to put some under the house. I was planning on getting most of the junk out of the attic yesterday for them but I didn't get around to it. So maybe this morning. Mookie also was tossing, turning and jumping out of bed. He never jumps back into bed, just whines and waits for someone to find him, pick him up and then put him in bed. Oh the humanity. Somehow I survived.
I talked to Scott yesterday regarding Carla. We had a brief conversation about my feelings. I said that I really wasn't interested in any big conversation about the matter. He was nice and civil. After I explained myself, he said that he wished there was some way that I could remain friends with Carla as she had many good qualities. I told him that I wished I could but that is what is so f'd up about this disease/addiction. I don't get to decide what my addict wants to obsess about. But I can decide not to make triggers a constant in my life.
I ended up talking to my sponser about the situation. I shared the names of the Carla and Scott, so he could be aware of the individuals. We talked about what might happen if I crossed the line and did something sexual with Carla. He said he wouldn't know how to explain to other SAA members about having sex with a female SAA member. Many would feel that you definitely crossed a line of trust in the fellowship. While I really hadn't thought about it, I do see where he's coming from. After crossing the line, it would be difficult to build up a trust level with fellow members again.
Then I also felt that I needed to tell my wife. I really didn't want to tell her because I didn't want to hurt her. But just the conversation would cause her mind to wander into possibilities, comparisons and speculation. I know I need to be careful about what I share with Martha but if I error in sharing with her right now, it will probably be on the side of sharing too much. Damn near my whole relationship I've kept things hidden from her and it has definitely put space between us. It's also allowed me to go deeper and deeper into isolation and go crazy with this addiction.
She shared some thoughts from her therapist about sharing. We should be using the acronym T.H.I.N.K. before we share. T is for thoughtful. We need to be thoughtful when we're sharing. Trying to stay on track with our sharing and don't let it evolve or devolve into something else. H is for being honest. That speaks for itself. I is for intelligence. Not really sure what that means other than they can spell a word using the I. N is for needed. Is this sharing needed by me. Do I have to share what my mind is pondering or should it stays in my mind and be pondered some more before I share as it's not really all that important to me. And K is for being kind. I shouldn't just blurt something out. I should be careful about the words I use and how constructive or destructive they could be. I shouldn't attack another person with my words.
And so Aretha Franklin will start singing, "You better T.H.I.N.K.! T.H.I.N.K. 'bout what you're trying to do to me!"
Wow, I'm hitting a road block of what to write about. Kinda exciting as I really haven't hit many of these in my daily morning dumps. Have been able to write away for the most part. Oh yeah. I think I forgot to put the sobriety chips in the plastic container the other night when I lead the meeting. I don't remember them sitting on top of any of the materials when I put all the stuff away. Guess since they're SAA sobriety coins, I don't have to worry about AA or NAA or some other 12 step program taking the chips. The more I think about it, I probably really don't have to worry about any one taking the chips. It would go completely against everything you're trying to accomplish in your sobriety. I feel bad for having the thought that someone would take them for another group. I will chat with my sponser today about the chips. If they do end up missing, I will definitely pay to replace them. It was my responsibility to keep them safe.
Made it to Starbucks this morning. Was supposed to get Martha a hot mocha but I got her a cold one instead. Just habit more than anything. But I felt bad when I got home and realized I got her the wrong drink. I offered her my hot mocha and took the cold frappucino. No big deal. Life moves on.
Our old neighbor, Sandy is coming up from Sacramento next week to visit. Either Thursday or Friday. She'll be with us for a few days and then off to Spokane for some dog show/event. And probably stop by on the way home to California. I like Sandy. Very friendly. Very opinionated. Smart. Reminds me of me a little. Does that mean I like me? Martha's more excited about her coming by but also a little concerned that I don't get off track on my recovery program. So she's been pondering ways to keep Sandy busy and active so that I can do what I need to do. I appreciate that Martha is concerned.
Last night Martha and I talked some more about my sharing of the Eroticized Rage worksheet. I apologized for sharing it with her. Told her that there really was no reason for me to give her that worksheet. I only wanted to share one line on the worksheet but it the exuberance of my recovery, I shared the whole sheet. I said that it is very difficult because I've really got no one I can share my recovery with. Yes, I can share at SAA meetings but most everyone is really wrapped up into themselves and their recovery.
Something that I just realized this morning while typing my thoughts out is that I am feeling closer to Martha. But I am hurt by the fact that she is my best friend and I can't share these most intimate of thoughts with her. Hopefully somewhere down the road I'll be able to share my recovery and it's results with her in a constructive, loving way. Right now, I just don't have the skills. I've got to accept that and remember that my recovery will take a little time. It took me years to get where I'm at in my addiction. So I can't just flip a switch and reverse everything.
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