Slept in to 7am. Been to Starbucks and got my mocha. Looks like Martha and Sandy are still asleep. I'm sitting in my room typing this today. I still feel like a prisoner in my own house. It's a strange house with different voices and movements. I think it is telling me that I do like some quiet in my life. I can't be around constant noise. And I've definitely can't be around strange people that are not aware of my recovery. I have to be able to work my recovery plan. I don't feel any desire to act out but I'm not working my recovery plan as well as I should be. This morning writing does give me the opportunity to express my feelings and helps.
Yesterday I went to the noon 12 step meeting. It was a good meeting. Was less sharing than usual. So we had a bit of quiet time. It was nice to sit in a room with other people and just be quiet. I wasn't able to completely void my mind of everything and found myself wondering whom would be sharing next. Most meetings have someone there that is very nervous, can't sit still and must share. So it definitely was a change.
After the meeting and a little before, I was reading some of the Facing The Shadow workbook. Reading about trying to get into the Recovery Zone. It suggested doing an exercise to improve my self-esteem. I would be making a few lists and doing some comparisons of the lists. The first list would be a list of events in my life that I could genuinely take pride. The next list would be a list of time I programmed or "talked myself" into failure. The third list would be times when my own feelings of worthlessness kept you from doing what you needed. Next is to draw up a list of events when your preoccupation with self hurt those I care about. On the basis of these lists I am to make quick list of my strengths and my limitations. This will help to provide perspective on what risks exist to me staying sober.
Reading Chapter Six (What is Sobriety?) in the workbook felt good. It energized me again in my recovery. I liked the way I felt when I read it. And it helps me see some light at the end of the tunnel. There's another exercise inwhich I get to delve a little deeper into The Sobriety Challenges that face me. For example, I get to rate myself on a scale of 1-5 (one is a problem and 5 is severe problem) regarding "Underachieving Despair". I then list examples of my behaviors related to this issue and how this behavior pattern might sabotage my sobriety process. In this example, I would rate myself a 4 or 5. Underachieving Despair is a huge issue for me. I've always thought I would accomplish something and not be in a long string of jobs leading me nowhere. I end up getting frustrated with myself, my job, my advancement (actually the lack of any advancement), my co-workers (since most of them are less educated than myself and I'm overqualified for my position). This leads to me want to relieve the frustration, stress and anxiety. I could and have expressed it verbally to others, co-workers, bosses, wife, in an angry manner. This expression did not get me anything other than a momentary emotional release. It would end up irritating them and drive a wedge between us. So I would start to look for the next way to release this negative energy. This would lead to tracking down prostitutes, massage parlors, etc., to get my release. And of course, the fulfilling of that desire would always lead back to the same dark place of more self hatred, shame and anger and the crazy desire for more of the same.
I've got 18 issues to look at in that regard. Not all of them are going to relate much to me. But looking at the list, I know over half the list will need to be explored more. The chapter then goes on to the positive aspects of my recovery, as I answer questions about "recovery essentials". I will be addressing issues such as 'What important matters are being neglected in my life?', 'What have I done well lately that I have not yet rewarded myself for?', 'Write down some affirming statements from me to me', 'In what ways have I been accountable lately?'. I've got fifteen areas of reflections to think about.
This would be followed by some Relapse Scenarios inwhich I put together a timeline of sorts breaking down, step by step, the actions that lead up to acting out. I've pretty much already done this before, so this shouldn't take much time for me. The last two times I slipped, I did this exercise, just in a slightly different format. And finally I get to do my Firedrill, which will show me steps to take if I start down the path to relapsing.
I'm hoping Martha will do something with Sandy today, so I can have some quiet time to work on this stuff. I'm excited about it and want to do. I really don't want to delay working on it. I want to living life. I'm tired of me being the old me. I like the positive direction this recovery is going and want to continue it.
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