It's 7:50 in the morning and I just got back from picking up some Starbucks. Got a mocha for myself and a frappucino for my wife. I need to quit that. I have to start personalizing everything I write and say. I picked up a frappucino for Martha. I've definitely got a problem with depersonalizing things, thus allowing myself to be detached from something if I don't put names to situations. I've got no idea where it started. But I think it has grown into a serious detachment issue for me. I've got this feeling or belief that if I depersonalize things that I am no longer involved and don't have to take ownership of my actions or situations. Why the hell do I want to take ownership? (Read sarcasm there)
I have to admit that yesterday I did violate Martha's privacy and read her journal. We had made an agreement that it is private as is my online journal. I openly lied to her when I said I would not read it. I knew that at some time I would read it. Part of my reasoning is that I do wish to know what's going on in her head. Her journal only gives small glimpses into her thoughts about our relationship. Other than saying that I hurt her with my outrageous infidelity, there's really not much. Just stuff about frustrations at work, being tired and trying to figure out what to write. Obviously absence is her thoughts and feelings about what is going with her regarding me. I wish she could write about that stuff and get it out, though her writing yesterday vaguely suggested that she was getting those feelings and thoughts out with her therapist. As with me, she probably can ignore those thoughts if they are not written down. So she refuses to write them down right now.
As for me violating her privacy, I do feel bad about it. And I know it was wrong. But I'm not going to apologize about it to her. At least not right now. I'm barely holding on to myself right now. And don't want to push myself over the edge. But I understand that my life right now is about taking small steps. Small positive steps that will lead to a much better foundation in my life. But it is so fucking hard for me to take them. I'm trying to create a routine for my day which will lead into it being a habit. I wish it could happen faster. Way, way faster. The reality is that it will take time. I've got to accept that and continue to move forward in a positive way.
Today Martha is off and we've both got therapy appointments. Yay! Should be fun in the afternoon when each of us is done and we're contemplating what we've talked about in therapy. I think I'm going to take in some of my 90 Prep work and see if my therapist can help me understand what I'm supposed to do. Right now I'm stuck on one of the worksheet and really want to do it. I honestly want to do this work. I so tired of my life being the way it is. I'm lying to people or at the very least not being completely open and honest. I still want to look good to others. I care what people think about me. I've got to learn that people will still care about me if I open up and share. In reality, people will care about me more if I look like I've got some flaws and still able to carry on my life in a positive manner. Writing that sentence felt good. I can look at it and see that it is true. Instead of me "looking good" to someone by me not sharing my flaws, I come across as arrogant, standoffish and above them. Ffffffuuuuuuuccccckkkkkkk!!
Last night I was responsible to lead the Tuesday night Beginner's meeting. It went okay. Three newcomers showed up, two of which were females. That gave me a little anxiety as I wanted to make sure they felt welcomed and safe. They all wanted a newcomer's chip and there was only one chip. One of the females rose her hand first, so she got it. We all clapped for her. Then the other two said they would like a chip and there were no more chips. I was at a complete loss for what to do. I apologized and felt stupid. I told them they would get their chips. No one in the room clapped for either individual. Again I felt stupid as I was leading the meeting. After going through the rest of the chip routine, I did take a moment to congratulate the other two for taking a one day chip and we all clapped. I felt a little better.
I was unsure what I wanted to read but once three new people showed up in the room, I knew that I would be reading the first step out of the green book. I've read it many, many times. It really describes the unmanagability of this addiction and how you are so powerless against it. It rings very true to me as it points out in so many different ways how it affects you, those you love and others. I made sure that the newcomers had books so they could read the whole reading while every one was reading out loud. It is so difficult to walk in that door as a newcomer that I wanted to make sure they all felt welcomed. I know for myself, I was scared out of my mind just walking through the door and sitting in a chair. It's got to be one of the biggest steps in your recovery. Hopefully these individuals come back and continue on their journey to recovery.
After the meeting, as I was walking down the stairs, I saw Carla at the bottom and asked how she was doing. I didn't stop and talk as my wife was downstairs too. I did not want to get in a conversation about the journal in front of my wife. I ended up leaving with my wife as Carla left right before us but I sensed that Carla was a little irritated with me not talking to her. I plan on giving her a call today to chat and get a sense of what she was feeling or is feeling. Looking back on me walking by her, I can see that I was a little rude, seemingly brushing her off. I'd like to ask Martha what she saw from her perspective, but part of me doesn't really want to bring up the topic.
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