It's a chilly Sunday morning. Was able to wake up in time to watch Sports Reporters on ESPN. Sports talk show. I just enjoy watching it if I can. I like the editorial pages of newspaper. They're filled with opinions, solutions to problems. Just interesting reading to me. So much more than the front page which is just today's version of a story that has happened many, many times before. Crime, political corruption, wars, somebody getting ready to go on strike and some local story trying to pull at your heart. There's not much depth to the stories on the front page. I constantly seem to have questions about the stories, asking for more background or history on the subject matter. The editorial pages try to give that background and history. Granted it is written with an agenda in mind. And I definitely do not always agree with the opinion. But I welcome the debate being brought forward. Wow, I got all of that out of watching the Sports Reporters this morning. It wasn't just about the NFL, MLB and the NCAA football season.
Made it to Starbucks and have done my morning meditation readings. I enjoy the readings too. Most days they seem to hit pretty close to home. The reading from Answers from the Heart was about "spending too much time looking for the meaning of life, as if it were a formula that would grant us wisdom and power and happiness". I've spent much time in my life looking for that meaning or purpose. I would honestly say this is the deepest I've looked inside myself for answers, clues or direction. In the past I have hit roadblocks and just walked away from the search, believing I would go back to it relatively soon. I didn't. I've bought numerous books about this search. I don't think I've ever completed one. And I definitely didn't complete all of the requested work being asked of in the book. This is by far the furthest I've ever gone into this search for meaning and purpose in my life. Perhaps it isn't going as fast as I would like it to go but I am much more understanding of that today than in the past. I know that I will not be able to just click my heels together and have the changes done. It is a daily activity that builds upon itself turns into a habit. Which turns into my life and my wisdom. The reading ends with "What we learn in recovery is that life takes on meaning for each one of us only through our own actions and process of living -- and that's what makes our lives uniques and adventurous." Yes, I've got a lot to learn and do. But I am also accepting of the reality that I'm not ready and open to learning everything I need to or want to learn. That will come with time.
Today I am concerned with my addiction and the events that led up to me dealing with it today. I'm interested in looking at my historical decision making process. I'm interested in looking at relationships I've been in. I'm interested in looking at jobs that I've had. I'm interested in looking at where and why my life took turns and twists, that weren't necessarily for the best.
Martha expressed some concerns last night about Sandy coming here and staying for roughly a week. She wanted to know how I was going to handle it. How was I going to explain going to meetings and the such. My suggestion is that I would say I'm going to support groups for unemployed workers, helping each other with their resumes, job search and just emotional support for each other. I really don't feel an intense desire to share what truly I'm doing with Sandy. I like Sandy very much but I'm not ready to reveal this much personal information of myself to her. I also feel it would put some more emotional stress on Martha and mine's relationship. Martha said I could do or say whatever I wanted to Sandy but I'm not so sure she thought through the ramifications of me disclosing everything. I also told Martha that I really did need time in the morning to do my readings and to exercise. I said that was very important for me to get my day started right. I am looking forward to Sandy coming and visiting. I'm sure I'll probably also be happy when she finally leaves. Today we've got to do some serious cleaning around the house, so it should be a fun day!!! I love spending the day cleaning! (Yes that's sarcasm)
I got a call yesterday from Kaiser asking if I was available to come in and get my MRI and MRA done around 10am. I told them yes I would be happy to go. The tests ends up being around 35/40 minutes long with that crazy machine wrapped around your head and upper body. Very noisy and could definitely make you feel claustrophopic. I took half of an anxiety pill before I drove there. I just wanted to be relaxed a bit. And I found myself just meditating while the tests were being done. I kept repeating "I am full of life, love and positive energy. I gladly share this with others." It felt very calming. Lost track of time in the machine. I just was thinking about my meditation saying and repeating it. Took some occasional deep breaths and felt good during the whole process. Yes the machine was loud but I found that the sound did not disturb me at all. It was just a part of the process and I embraced it as such.
Doing the meditation also made me think much more about my meditation exercises that I do at night in the 90 day Focus workbook. I need to spend more time on them. I found that the meditation I used yesterday didn't come to me immediately. I started with something a little different. I reworked it a few times and came up with the meditation that works for me. It felt good and it felt like something I want to save and use.
I AM FULL OF LIFE, LOVE AND POSITIVE ENERGY. I GLADLY SHARE THIS WITH OTHERS.
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