...have ran through my mind and life the last few weeks. Since I've been separated from my wife about two weeks now I find that I am being triggered quite a bit easier than before. For some reason, I seem to allow myself to glance at a woman a little bit longer than I have for the better part of the last year. Even do a little fantasizing but honestly realize that the fantasy is going to go nowhere. It's as if I just want the satisfaction of looking a woman.
Saturday I tracked down a prostitute to come over to my apartment. I don't know why. Just feeling a need to get laid since I haven't been laid in over a year. I didn't feel anything emotionally. Before or after. To add to the craziness, the prostitute was not good looking as she was dramatically overweight and had too many 'rules'.
Yet she ended up with my $120. We ended up talking a bit as told me how she had been with seven guys the day before while just with me on Saturday night. She told me she had a 'boyfriend' that she supports but they really don't have sex that much. But he deserves to be supported and not work. She thought what she did as a prostitute was very empowering to herself, feeling as though guys paying her for sex meant she was strong. I felt sad when she told me that. I thought of all the guys that had paid her because they had an intense need that they couldn't fulfill in a positive way.
I've been thinking about this experience for the weekend. I'm not feeling shame as I have in the past. Instead I feel some sorrow that I did call her and sexually act out. I'm also accepting it as a blimp on the radar screen. As I put together my new life I know that prostitutes will not a part of it in the same way they have in the past. It's so clear now that they really don't care for me in any way other than to get my money. So if I decide to have sex with a prostitute I now know that it will only be to get my rocks off. There will be no emotional involvement by me. Because I know I will not get any emotional involvement in return.
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