Saturday morning at Starbucks...

....enjoying my mocha and surfing the net down here at 7:45 in the morning. While it is a little inconvient not to have internet hookup at the apartment, I do find this gives me, or should I say, forces me to get out of the house. I can't deny that there is an occasional female that distracts me. But I do realize that these are distractions and cannot go any further. I'm not going to have a relationship with these females. I am truly starting to feel that change in me. I'm sure I can go back and act out in the future. Do I want to? No, not at all. I am sure today that I cannot control everything in my life. It's just not going to happen. I've accepted that in my life today. So I try to be gentle with myself if I find myself glancing too long at a female.

I emptied out a box last night in my apartment. It has been boxed up for the roughly 20/25 years. Been through numerous moves. It's time to start moving past those memories. I can sell the comic books that I saved. I can sell the baseball cards that I have. I'm seeing that I was clinging to the past. A supposely happier time in my life. In reality it was just a different time in my life. Yes, I am made of my past and what I did, but I do not need to hold onto every single piece of my past. I can parse these collections of 'souvenirs' down and still keep the memories.

Looking at the floor in my apartment and knowing there is more in storage just made me realize that all of these things weigh me down. It's a form of stagnation in my life. Not allowing me to grow up or change. I need to empty space in my life to give me space for all of the new things that are going to be entering my life. It's a slow process but I am finding it freeing. As if a giant weight is coming out of my life.

I've wondered in the past why I kept so much stuff. Baseball cards, comic books, records. Part of me always believed that someday it would be worth money. Today I take a little more pragmatic view and believe that I held on to much of it because these items held memories for me. Happy memories for me. Much more than memories I got from my actual life. So I had to go into a make believe world to make my world happier. It's time for change.