It’s been a week or so since I’ve written anything in my journal. Not really sure why. I’ve been feeling okay but a little blasé. Upon second thought, when I say I’m feeling okay, I’m not sure what that means. It’s been very warm for the past week. Without central air conditioning I’ve been warm most of every day without cooling off. It’s made me hot and irritable. I’ve also cut way back on the caffeine, as I’m only having one grande mocha in the morning. Water and juice for the rest of the day. Have lost a few pounds as I haven’t been eating so much garbage food lately. So maybe it’s just a combination of all those things that are making me feel a little off but not completely crazy.
Had a soda the other day and it made me feel crappy. Drank a few drinks of it and couldn’t finish the drink. I was immediately filled with gas. Very quickly I felt the caffeine as my body started to become edgy and irritable. I haven’t had one since. My body seems to crave some extra caffeine later in the day but I’m fighting the urge and denying myself. I would like to get off of caffeine completely.
Wednesday is the 31st of August, meaning that my month long communication break with my wife is over. Not sure if she’ll contact me first or if I’ll contact her first. Have no idea what will happen. I’m thinking we’ll probably get together at the house and talk a bit. I don’t know what I have to say. I don’t know what she’ll ask. Right now I’m thinking I’ll lie to her if she asks if I had sex with anyone. I honestly do not see any positive coming out of telling her that truth. I believe it would hurt her. I also believe it would end our marriage for sure. I don’t want our marriage to end because I had some more sex with a prostitute. It very well is ending because I’ve previously had sex with prostitutes but I’m trying to maintain whatever sense of dignity I can.
Some would ask what else I would lie about. Nothing else that I can think of right now. I would tell her that I went online looking for a prostitute but could not follow through with calling. I was hurting inside and wanting someone to be sexually intimate with me. Crazily I believed that a prostitute would be able fill that need. I was absolutely wrong.
Now though I’m struggling with living alone and being alone for most of every day. I’m not working so I don’t have much interaction with anyone at all. I need interaction with people on a daily basis. So I’ve got to find a job or jobs to start filling my days. School starts at the end of September, so that will fill one day for a few months.
I also think working would just help me with my self esteem right now. I feel almost worthless since I’m not working. I’ve got to find things to fill my days, even if it’s not work. Volunteering would be good too.
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