I guess that today is an...

...anniversary of sorts as it was a year ago today when I disclosed to my wife about my sexual acting out history and infidelity. I'm not proud today to say that I have this acting out in my past but it is part of my life. I am proud that I am trying to address all of my acting out behaviors. Not just sexual acting out but going through all the emotions that make me want to numb out.

Since my separation I written about how I gone to a bar and almost immediately found that a bar is not a place I wish to be. I've had three sexual experiences with prostitutes and found the next experience worse than the previous one. I knew there was no intimacy involved but wasn't concerned about that as I haven't has sex for almost a year. During this relapse I saw, clearly I believe, that sex with a prostitute is completely empty. I am much better off just masterbating. To have someone give you oral sex and then immediately get up after your orgasm and tell you flush the toilet after you take the condom off is not a good feeling. It drives home emotionally that this is nothing more than a way for the girl/woman to make a few dollars. Or to have sex with a girl/woman that does nothing to excite you physically, even after taking a viagra pill, just made me realize that I had to change. There's no more searching needed. It felt and still feels so obvious that going back into the world of acting out is not going to work.

I'm sitting in my local Starbucks right now and one of the gals behind the counter asked me what plans I had for the day. With some internal hesitation, I told her that I was going to head over to Portland Community College and talk to a Counselor about their Drug Addiction Counselor Program. She said she thought that was great. Jokingly, I then said that if I ended being some sort of addiction counselor I might have to give up my mocha in the morning. Another girl behind the counter laughed and said there are much worse things I could be addicted to than my morning mocha. With a smile on my face I told here I was. She got interupted by a customer so we couldn't continue the conversation, which was fine. It was a great start to disclosing or opening up my life to others.