It’s 10pm and I’m a little tired but feeling pretty good. I had lunch with Kirk, from SAA, and it was great to sit and talk. We shared more in depth than in yesterday’s noon meeting. That was very good for me. Briefly we talked about my marriage falling apart. I told him that I had acted out with a prostitute during this separation. It just felt right to talk about the troubles I was having with my sobriety during this time. Lovingly, he then called me out on not sharing so honestly in yesterday’s meeting about having sex with a prostitute. I told him that I didn’t share that because I would look bad in front of the others in the room. I still found myself judging people and wanted to look good in people’s eyes. He then asked me again why I was able to share that today with him and not with others yesterday. I sat there a little mystified by his question yet realized that is definitely one of my problems. I’m human and have problems. But dammit if I’ll share them with others.
He then asked where has that gotten me? It was a great rhetorical question that we both knew the answer to. He then gave me his take of why I didn’t completely share everything in the meeting. He said it was me being afraid of being vulnerable. I just do not want to be vulnerable or judged. He added that he just heard me share an acting out experience with a prostitute yet did not think I was a terrible person because of that. He thought I was a person having a difficult time in his life and was reaching for help where he thought he could find it. He shared all of that calmly and with empathy in his voice. I have no doubt that he has felt the pain I am feeling.
It was a great lunch. Kirk gave me much to think about. I feel sad now that I did not share the whole story. But I am committed to doing so at the next meeting, if I don’t end up calling each person that was there and talk to them individually. I also have to address this lie of omission at the noon meeting across the river. I will be doing that the next meeting I attend there. I sat there during the conversation with Kirk and just felt that I was missing out on so much in life because I didn’t want to open myself up to others. It was so obvious that not opening myself emotionally and being vulnerable with others throughout my life was not the best choice in my life.
I then did some bowling with Mike down at the bowling alley. He wanted to practice and I had a little time to burn. I didn’t bowl too well but had a good time. We spent a little time talking which is always good. Then it was off to see Kurt and an hour of therapy.
I thought I was going to share about my acting out experiences over the past few weeks. But we ended up talking about my separation and why I wanted to leave. We talked about running away from problems being a very comfortable place for me. We talked about me being unable to control things and having a physical reaction (like getting sick when I couldn’t drive after my brother’s death). We talked about me getting a Bachelor’s degree in Business Administration even though I felt like I wanted to get a degree in Psychology. And how I just really couldn’t stand working in the business world as it didn’t fit me well. I understand business well but never felt as if my knowledge was putting me ahead. And when I’d have an issue with a superior, that would just send me running away again. This time starting a new job. Yes it felt good at the time but it was not a positive way to build a career.
He then threw out a suggestion getting a Certificate for Addiction Counselor (or something of that sort). I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. He was actually suggesting that I could be a Counselor. I felt myself starting to emotionally crumble inside. With my voice cracking I told him to stop what he was saying. I did not want to make a suggestion like that if he was not serious. I couldn’t believe what my voice was saying. His suggestion sounded so much like something I would love to do that even the mere mention of it being a possibility overwhelmed me. I just wanted to cry. He said he wasn’t joking and thought I would be very good at it. He told me that Portland Community College had a program to get someone started in the Addiction Counseling field. I’m still getting teared up just thinking about this conversation. I do believe this could be what I should be doing. I want to help people. I want to care for people. My business degree doesn’t do that for me and won’t do it for me. Being a real estate agent will give me brief moments of helping people. But they are very few and far between.
We talked about my life being rebuilt. New thoughts. New energy. New friends. New experiences. I told him about spending quite a bit of time down in Chico a few weeks ago with one of my nephews, who’s addicted. All we did was talk about recovery, feelings and emotions. He asked if I thought there was a reason why we had such a discussion. Yes it didn’t happen by chance. It happened for a purpose.
Driving home from therapy tonight, I thought about this whole discussion and if this is my life’s purpose. To help people with addiction issues. My dad was an addict and even as a young kid I felt a desire to help addicts. I didn’t act upon that desire but I did have it. I would be lying to myself if I said I didn’t. In another round of serendipity, I have always thought that my life’s purpose was going to happen later in my life. That I was going to mess up my life early in my life, like my Dad did. Only I was going to be able to do good later in my life.
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