August 11 -- 8:55pm

Just took out the garbage and looked in the mailbox to see what mail I received. I didn’t receive any. I did receive some feelings that said I wanted to get laid. But I quickly processed that while sex sounds good it’s actually some intimacy I’m craving. I want someone around me to share my life. Someone to share my day.

The reality is that it will take awhile for me to find this person that I’m desiring. Unless I can make it work with my wife. So there’s a lot of internal work to be done on myself. Growing to love myself. Growing to be comfortable in my own skin. I think that just realizing that I am having those feelings and don’t wish to have sex to try to get them to subside is a good thing. I’m not trying to brag but it is a realization and I should congratulate myself for recognizing it.

I came clean at my noon meeting today about having lied to them last week about my inner circle activities. It hurts to say that I lied but by the end of the meeting I was feeling a little better. After the meeting, different people came up to me and shared that they appreciated my share. Then spent some time talking with another member. Felt good to just stand around and share. He really appreciated the share and always appreciates hearing when someone has a slip. He’s had a difficult time reaching 30 days sobriety and then slipped last week on day 37. We talked about how difficult it is to reach a huge date of sobriety. And while it sounds great to have it, there is still an enormous of growth going on with everyone during their recoveries.

Then I headed down to the bike shop and bought a new bike. I’ve got a mountain bike but it is an absolute pain to ride for any distance at all. Very bulky tires that add an enormous amount of drag to any ride. I feel as though I’m using about 10 times the amount of strength needed to pedal the thing. I ended up getting a ‘Hybrid’ bike. It’s made for street riding and I can do some trail riding if I like. Tires are a lot skinnier. Got home and took it out for a ride. I loved how much easier it rode on the streets. I’m thinking I may head down to the river tomorrow and go for a longer ride before the meeting (maybe after).

Next, I took a quick shower and headed off to see my therapist to talk about my desire to become an Alcohol & Drug Counselor. He had some great suggestions for things to do to help with learning how to talk to someone. Suggested doing quite a bit of video-taping of practice sessions with people. I loved that idea. Would be able to see a lot of interviewing skills to work on. The most important thing is to listen to people and feel their feelings. Being able to repeat back what they said and felt. Let the person understand that I do hear them. That I hear them deep in my heart.

I walked away excited and a little overwhelmed. Some doubt crept into my thoughts as I wonder if I have the ability or skills necessary to do this. Even as I write these words of doubt I know that I can connect with people in pain in the 12 step rooms. I’m scared and afraid of not succeeding. I thinking that I will need to sit with these feelings for awhile and keep processing them. And keep journaling about them. There’s something behind the feelings. I’m just not sure what it is yet.