...feeling some anxiety over my decision to be an Alcohol & Drug Counselor. Not feeling anxiety over the process or the decision but what the decision means. I'm feeling a little scared that I might not be ready for this move. Wondering what I can do to prepare myself better. Am I over-reacting?
I'm sitting at a table next to three women that are having a conversation about the universe bringing you things, yet you are not always ready to receive them. One of them has made a few comments that seem to be recovery related. Don't know why I'm writing about this. I think possibly it's the universe opening up and showing me that the universe is open everywhere. Receptive to all.
Had my therapy session yesterday with my Priest Therapist. I told her that I had a great week. She was initially surprised as she thought I was going to go deeper into acting out. I told her that I had some sort of ephiphany. I walked away from my last experience with that prostitute with a clear understanding of myself reaching into a completely negative world thinking I could find something positive. Deep inside of myself I felt an enormous understanding of this. I don't know if I will ever go back there but I'm not concerned about that. I'm only concerned with being the best I can be today. If I take a step back, I take a step back. It is what it is. I can't go back and take that step back. But I can change my attitude towards that step back. Not all of life's lessons come without pain. Most of them include pain. It is through that pain that people learn.
I told her that I was seeing another Therapist and an Acupuncturist. I explained that this was my recovery and I had to go down the path I chose. I talked about the Priest and Shaman theory. She was a little perplexed when I was talking about my other therapist being a Shaman, as he's an addict. I explained that when one addict is talking to another addict, there is almost an immediate bond that breaks down many of your walls. No longer do you fear to share as much as you might with a Priest, because the Shaman has been there. The Shaman has felt the pain you've felt. The Shaman has been to the same deep, dark places that you've been.
I told her about the program at PCC and that I was going to go. She asked if I was serious about it. I told her I was. But her comment left some doubt in my mind. I'm an addict. So many times in my life I've started things only to quit them in the middle. Today I want to talk to my Shaman Therapist about this issue. How can I embrace the strengths that my addiction gives me and use my addiction in a positive way while studying.
In the end my therapist thought I was doing much better. She thought the program was a good thing to get into. At the very least I would quite a bit about my addiction and addictive behaviors. Later in the day I saw my Acupuncturist for a treatment. She was wonderful. Full of love. We talked briefly about Shaman and Priests in the recovery world. She said she was neither so what would I name her. I ended up telling her it would Pure Light. It is honestly how I feel. She comes from such a pure place.
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