Took a day off from writing yesterday. Felt good to do so. I'd like to try to find a balance on some of this recovery work. I don't believe recovery is all about recovery 24/7/365. I've got to learn how to balance real life with my recovery and recovery work. I started on cleaning off my desk yesterday. It's pretty clean now and I will finish cleaning it off this morning. Then I've got to figure how how to put things back on my desk or in cabinets or shelves so I don't clutter the desk up again. I cannot have a messy desk. It's a huge mental clusterfuck if I do. I need clarity.
I'm sorry to say that I just spent about 10 minutes looking for Martha's new notebook of daily writings. She's filled up her first one and started using a new one. Couldn't find it where the other one was. Wonder if she suspects that I have looked at the old one and now has to hide the new one. Don't know. Could just be in her bag she takes to work. Saw some papers in her room regarding some work she needs to do for therapy. Needs to look deeper at boundaries in our relationship; needs to write a letter from her addict to herself describing how her addict has hurt her; and she's got a contract for me and her to sign saying that we would work on our marriage for 'x' amount of time before making any decision pro or con about our relationship. Sounds like good stuff.
I know I'm violating her space and privacy by reading her journal but I feel a need to do so. I really want to know what is going on in her mind. She's keeping things very close to the vest and not sharing like I'd like her too. She's very afraid that if she was completely honest, I would just get up and leave the relationship. I can't say I completely disagree. Yet I do know that being with her is a definite positive right now for me. Gives me some positive structure.
I still got some work to do on my first step and am trying to use the SAA red book questions to keep me on track. I'd like to write on questions #5 (In what ways have you tried to deny, rationalize, explain, or justify your sexual behavior to yourself, your family or friends or others?) and #6 (What lies have you told to conceal your sexual activity?). I would love to be able to say that I haven't lied or had to justify my behavior but that would be a complete lie. The biggest lying I have done to my wife has been through lies of omission. Daily I would explain my day's actions by saying I didn't do anything exciting and leave it at that. If questioned further, I would just say it was a boring day. If she would continue to press, I would either say I looked at some properties, met a potential client or played some golf. I would justify these lies to her by telling myself that I would be hurting her by telling the truth and didn't want to hurt her. Telling her the truth would also mean that I would have to face the truth of what my addictive actions meant. I sure didn't want to delve deeper into me and my past. If I found myself around other family members and found my emotions getting wound up, I would usually take a break from them and try to let Martha explain away my actions as me being high strung, moody or whatever she wanted to say. I never have told family or friends about my sexual addiction though it has affected them too. I found myself not wanting to engage much in family gatherings, leaving early to track down a sexual fix. I found myself not having any friends. Just acquaintances that didn't know much about me. I didn't want to develop friendships and have to deal with any of the emotions that would involve. So I just kept myself isolated, justifying this action by telling myself I wouldn't have to lie to people if they weren't my friends. They didn't have to know much about me. I could remain a mystery to people.
Initially I believe I justified my actions to myself by telling myself that I need to relieve some stress and tension from my life. I wasn't getting sex from my wife so sexual tension was constantly building and there was no relief. I say getting sex instead of having sex with my wife because a sense of entitlement to sex was entering my life. Later in my sexual acting out I would just compartimentalize my actions and really not face them emotionally. I had a feeling my sexual acting out was wrong but believed that others had sex with prostitutes, went to massage parlors, so I really was no different. Just part of an American society that cheated on their spouses.
As time went on, I started to notice that I really didn't care about foreplay or making my partner happy. I wanted my sex partner to concentrate her actions on me. Getting me excited, stimulated and then let me have my orgasm. Sex was becoming more and more filled with rage, though I could not and have not beat a woman physically. But a desire to just violently and sexually demean a woman was entering my mind in it's search for a better and better sexual high. I don't know where this eroticized rage comes from.
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