I've been up for awhile this morning before I finally got around to writing. Just didn't feel much like writing. Reading different stuff on the internet. Nothing exciting at all. Just avoiding writing here. Just avoiding addressing my life. So I headed down the hall and pulled out Martha's writing tablet and read what she wrote today. It was a good read. She really hasn't done much internal searching in her writings. Usually just emptying her mind of random thoughts.
This morning though, she wrote about our conversation last night about how daily readings. Mine was about honesty. Having to be honest every day. I admitted to Martha that I was troubled and conflicted by the thought. I could rationally understand the message but that my whole life has been built upon lying. Big lies. Little lies. Lies of omission. Or just emotionally shutting down and not participating in conversations. For me to just flip a switch and completely open up honestly about everything, all the time, is a thought I really cannot comprehend doing at this time. I don't want to lie. I really do not want to lie. But I don't know how to always tell the truth. I want to spill my guts out to Martha but can't because I will have crossed boundaries.
She went on to write that for her, I have to be honest with her. No more lies of omission. Maybe I'll start doing daily check-ins with her. That sounds real stupid but maybe if I send her occasional text messages about the past hour's activities, she can then see what I'm doing or not doing during the day. Just sent her some texts about this morning so far. I'm sure this form of messaging will agravate her. Maybe not. She might just say that I don't need to do it constantly during the day. Once at night is enough. But there is nothing exciting to share like that, so I don't share. I do the same thing at 12 step meetings. I lead a boring life, for the most part. Right now it's filled with recovery work but still boring.
Martha also mentioned that she hasn't really enjoyed the sex we've had over the past few years. She mentioned about me being angry during the sex. Not being intimate, no foreplay. Almost treating her like she was a prostitute to me. Wow! I don't think I could have written that any better. I think she is very right in that perception. The sex for me was just about me. Me getting my rocks off. I didn't want intimacy. I didn't want foreplay. I just wanted me to get off. How selfish of me. Never really thought I would say that about myself. But it is very selfish of me to only think of myself in a relationship.
Man, I've got a long way to go.
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