I'm finding myself tired and irritable. Not a great combination. Really, not even a good combination. I haven't done much recovery work in my 90 Day Focus workbook lately. Having Sandy here seemed to have thrown me off my recovery work. On Thursday, Martha and me are going to Family Education Group Therapy. It's eight or nine weeks of education on Recovery from Sexual Addiction. On one hand I am a little excited to go. On the other hand, I'm finding it a little irritating to me as it's one more reminder of how I screwed up. How my life has become unmanagable. And how there are so many consequences to this crazy addiction. I know it's the right thing to do. I know that I'm not too excited about going. But I will go and I will participate. Recovery just feels very difficult right now.
I think I mentioned yesterday how my therapist had a different take on the money awarded to my brothers, Tracy and me, after my Dad's death. She thought it was a gift from God. I've had difficulty even thinking about it in those terms. I've thought of more as blood money. Money I was given but did not earn. Money that I thought I was not worthy of.
I've become a bit cynical in the last decade or so. Or recently have I seen or felt that it's too much. It's okay to have a different opinion or question something, but not everything needs to be questioned. Some things just are and I need to let them be. Not wasted my time and energy on them. There's no big conspiracy against me or the people. It's just built up in my mind that somehow the world is out to get me. I really can't figure out why I occasionally fall into that trap other than to think that I don't want to believe the opposite. Believing the opposite would mean having faith in a Higher Power. Knowing there is a Higher Power working with me. Allowing a Higher Power into my life. Accepting a Higher Power into my world. Running my thoughts and desires by a Higher Power. Just making a dramatic shift in my world and not knowing where that is leading. It's time. I'm really tired of the old Kev. He's has good qualities but he hasn't taken me where my heart would like to go. A place of peace and tranquility. A place filled with sobriety, friends, loved ones. And a Higher Power.
So if I take take the position that the money was a gift from god, let me list the ways it has been so. It has allowed me to buy homes that I never thought I would be able to buy. It has allowed me not to really have any money worries for the last decade. Even though I've blown about $100,000 on this sex addiction. It has allowed me give my mom a beautiful home to live in for the last few years of her life. It has allowed Martha and me to pay off our bills and buy new cars. It has allowed me to help my nephew live in a nice place while going to school. It has allowed Martha and me to be close to our Moms at the end of their lifes. It has lead me into recovery, giving me the opportunity to see a therapist and start talking through all my feelings and my life story. It has allowed me to be unemployed or not working for quite a while. So there definitely has been much good that the money brought into my life.
I need to start giving thanks every day for the good in my life. I really don't do that much at all. I just look at the negative in my life and compare it to others. A list of gratitudes would be much better.
In my quest to get my First Step done, I've got a copy of the Guide to working the First Step. It's got a list of 13 sets of questions to answer and delve into. The first question is "What specific activities have been a part of your addictive sexual behaviors and rituals?". I've surfed the internet for porn, both at home and at work. I've chased down prostitutes, both online and offline. I've visited strip clubs. I've visited massage parlors. I've masterbated at work, even in my office and even female co-workers offices. I've sexually obsessed about women I don't know and women I do know, to the point of masterbating and having orgasms. I've made sexual passes at female co-workers and friends of past girlfriends. I've taken advantage and sexually manipulated much younger females with alcohol. I've lied to women in order to have sex with them.
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