It's Saturday morning and I'll be heading off to a meeting in a little over an hour. Have to journal a little first, then take a shower. Will grab something to eat on the way to the meeting. I've done my daily morning meditation readings. The reading in Answers From The Heart lead off with a quote from Woody Allen, "Show me a sign. Something like a big deposit to a Swiss Bank Account".
Crazily, I've had that sign. I completely ignored it. Instead I went for immediate gratification in my life. I bought a new car for me. Bought a new house. Bought a new tv. Whatever I wanted, I bought. It didn't cure anything. I found I was still empty and void inside. I started to go down the road of paying for sex believing there was something to be found there that could cure whatever was wrong with me.
I've easily spent over $100,000 on women for sex. I don't know how much business I've lost because of this addiction. Worse yet, my addiction was driving me mentally crazy and physically ill. So much so, that I left my job. There's atleast another $50,000 there. Add another $4-$5,000 for therapy between myself and my wife. Two busted computers because of online surfing of porn sites. There's another $2,000. Add in another $15,000 in interest lost because of using this money instead of keeping it invested. I'm left with a conservative $175,000 in financial costs because of this addiction. That doesn't include anything that I let Martha spend to just keep her off my back. I haven't looked the loss of time in my life in the chase for this empty gratification.
Today I am left to reflect upon this money still being a gift from god. Only now I can ponder that I've spent a healthy portion to get me ready to move on with my life. Even trying to look at it that way does not make me feel good. So there's more therapy to get a grip on that. It's been said that God works in mysterious ways. I really can't disagree today.
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