Been spending the last few days working on my First Step. I'm about half way through. Chatted with my therapist yesterday about it. Of course she wanted to dig a little deeper at different points. I understand as that is what she is suppose to do but it is difficult to sit there and try to look even deeper into something that you thought you had already looked at. So when I came home from my session, I was pretty wiped out and took a nap. I think Martha was a little perturbed by that.
Maybe she's getting a little perturbed by all of the recovery work, discovery, realizations that are going on. I read her journal this morning and she wrote that she was irritated by me sharing some thoughts about whether or not I was hurting someone if I had consensual sex with her. I was referring to a timeframe before our relationship. We've never discussed my earlier sex life as she really didn't want to hear about it previously. Since the topic came up in my therapy session, I thought I would run the conversation by her.
She then went on to write that she was getting angry and irritated with me analyzing her thoughts when we are sharing at night. I guess she wants to just share the thought and not have any feedback. Me, on the other hand, doesn't really care to have someone just dump a bunch of their thoughts on me and not let me respond. If that is the case, let's do it much earlier in the night. On second thought I really don't want to just have a non-participatory talk like a 12-step share with my wife. I'd like to think that she would value my thoughts.
Upon further thought, I'm wondering if this is a way to avoid conflict. She did talk to her therapist last week about conflict avoidance and how she scored high on a test that measured it. We'll see if she brings it up tonight or sometime soon. And then she'll get to see how I react. She said she knows how old Kevin will react if she was to bring up sharing at night like a 12-step meeting. I'm not exactly sure that the new Kevin will be all open minded to that kind of sharing. I'm thinking that it would be different than at a 12 step meeting. After meetings you get to talk to fellow members. You do talk about different shares at the meeting and how they made you feel. But sharing with my wife should be a growing, more intimate experience. No, I don't need to analyze everything she says. I can understand that. At the same time, I know it will be difficult for me not to analyze. That is what my life is centered around right now. I'm analyzing every fucking thing I'm doing and thinking. If that's not enough, I'm looking into my past and analyzing the crap out of it too. I get to analyze and then take it to my therapist and have her analyze it. Even take some of it to my sponser and he gets to analyze it. At night, I might even share it with my wife. And she may analyze it. So it is tough to get out of this analytical mode.
Had my bowling league yesterday. I bowled terribly. 132, 117 and 111. Didn't throw a strike all night. Only good that came out of it is that my scoring average went down. I felt embarrassed by how I was bowling. My left leg hurt. There's tightness in deep in my thigh. Can feel some pain occasionally but mostly tightness. Since it's my plant leg when bowling, it is difficult to find any rhythm. So I was mostly using just my arm to bowl instead of my whole body. Even sitting here I can feel some twitching and pain in the leg. It's been a week so I'm hoping it will go away soon. I've cut back on my practice bowling hoping that would help. We'll see.
Got crazy Steve giving his first step at a meeting today. I want to hear it but am also a little concerned that he may just piss me off with his first step. I'm hoping that I can find some tranquility in myself to sit through and support him on his journey. It's his journey, not mine.
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