Went to the Educational Group meeting last night with Martha. It was good. Maybe a little slow on the presentation but very informative. Covered a lot of ground. Nothing really new to me but definitely reinforced that I have an issue that is very serious and needs constant attention. Was pretty quiet in the room as nobody asked any questions during the presentation. Was very warm in the room too. But it was pretty crowded in there as there were 5 couples and the two therapists making the presentation.
I knew one of the men there from SAA meetings. I think one other I have seen at a meeting but not really sure since he it sounds like he doesn't attend any of the meetings that I go to. So probably not I guess. Was glad to see at least one person that I knew. Made me a little more relaxed. Walking into these rooms and having to participate in discussions is very difficult when you don't know anyone. You're absolutely taking it on faith that you will be accepted. It is difficult to believe that someone would be going to these meetings to make fun or ridicule you. Yet, I've still got a slight belief of that possibility being there.
Was a little perplexed during our breakout session at the end when we each briefly told our story. One of the individuals shared how he had cheated on his wife three times over a 30 year marriage. I'm puzzled how that is sex addiction. I'm not condoning the cheating on your spouse and yes it should be addressed. Just not sure that cheating three times is sex addiction. Perhaps he's done other things too during the marriage that just were not discussed. Why do I have to make judgments when I walk into these rooms? I find it difficult not to try to rate my addiction against these other individual's addictions. Why can't I just accept that we're all at these meetings trying to get better. Trying to change our lifes in positive ways. Accepting our flaws and moving forward.
But I'm looking forward to next week's meeting. One other benefit to the session is that I feel a little rejuvenated in my recovery program. I want to get back to work on it on a steady, daily way. Want to read and write some more about my recovery. I want to complete my first step by year end, if not sooner. It's time.
Yesterday, I got a text from Martha regarding her getting an award at work for going above and beyond at work. She got a gift too. While I was texting her back with congratulations, I found myself starting to cry. I was happy and excited for her. Proud too. Yet I was hurting inside because I found myself upset that later that day we had to go to a meeting to work on a problem of mine that greatly influences her life. I felt shame that I had caused this hurt in her life. She had done nothing to deserve it. I wasn't able to complete my crying because my phone rang and I picked it up.
It was Lyndal Sage, from Sacramento. I haven't talked to her in a long, long time. I have isolated from her. I like her. I like her positivity. Her drive. And her friendship. Yet I find that sometimes, too much Lyndal is too much for me, as she loves to talk. Really not sure what the problem is that I have with individuals that talk a lot. Guess it's an issue I need to address. But it was good to catch up with Lyndal. She and her husband are wanting to leave California. Thinking about moving to Oregon, Idaho or Texas. Lyndal wants to keep doing real estate wherever she ends up. I was excited to hear about that. It got me excited about real estate some more. I need to finish my classes for my real estate license renewal. We talked about my addiction a little, though I lead her to believe it revolved around alcohol and drugs. I'm still not comfortable talking to others about my sex addiction. Really not sure it's appropriate topic for conversation. But Lyndal was married to an alcoholic for awhile, so she is aware of what addiction is and how it can put a stranglehold on your life. She's aware of the isolation and lying issues that can arise. It was good to talk. I do miss her. I miss our talks that we use to have. I miss the friendship. I will have to call her back in another two weeks or so and try to make that a habit. I don't need to block out a positive influence in my life. Thank you God for the call. I needed it.
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