Emotionally filled day yesterday. Steve gave his first step yesterday at the noon meeting. Was not graphic at all though there were some parts that were a little disturbing to hear. He's a gay guy that has numerous sexual anonymous sexual experiences. To hear that someone would hook up in a public bathroom is a rather disgusting thought to me. I really don't want to judge but somehow it does stir me up a little. Yet if I'm honest with myself, I don't think I would have passed up oral sex or more from a female in a bathroom stall if the opportunity had been given to me. Though I couldn't completely relate to his story, he is searching for inner discovery, intimacy and self love. That is a constant theme amongst all of us that sit in that room.
I then went bowling with Mike. He had his bowling coach, Don, there. It was just brutal. The alley was filled with kids as it was Veteran's Day. So I was way overthinking everything that was being thrown at me. But somehow I did throw a few good balls. Had to use a super strange brace when I did it but it seemed to help me. It locked my wrist into place, making it near impossible for me to open up my hand when releasing the ball. They didn't have any of the braces in stock but ordered one for me. I'm excited about it. Hoping that it can resolve this damn issue of opening up my hand at the point of release.
Then had my Thursday night education group with Martha. We got there early. So we sat outside the office. I felt a little embarrassed when some people from my 12 step meetings came out of the office. It felt as though I had violated some sort of code. I took a moment to introduce one of the individuals to Martha and then felt real stupid when I couldn't say his name. I know his name but it was as though I realized I may violating some sort of boundary with him and my mouth locked up. Rick was gracious and said it was okay. He's a very nice guy.
Last night's meeting was about the Co-Addict, also known as the co-dependent person in the relationship. While going through the presentation I felt myself feeling bad that I had contributed so much bad garbage to Martha to process and deal with. I know that not all of it is of my origin but I've definitely contributed. I can't deny that my warped thinking and actions did force Martha to change some of her thoughts, beliefs and actions in an attempt to keep our relationship going. She's a very strong person and does not want our relationship to end. She definitely wants to figure out a way to make it work in a positive, non-addictive way. I can't blame her for those thoughts and beliefs.
Yet it is so difficult for me to get into believing I can have serenity, peace and tranquility in my life. I've got to find my Higher Power and spiritual center. I know that is where the answer lies for me. If I can move closer to my Higher Power I will have the ability and strength to start moving closer and closer to everything I wish for in my life. What can I do today to help me find this? I can start calling a few churches and see if they offer Science of Mind classes. If they do, I know there will something I can relate to, as I have in the past.
I also took the time to apologize to Martha for laughing at something she said the other night while we were sharing. It was rude of me to laugh at her and I told her so. She doesn't have all the answers to her life and I sure don't either. More importantly, it's not my place to try to tell her the answers for herself. She needs to come to them at her time and place.
I drempt last night about setting trees on fire around my house. It took awhile but my house finally caught fire. Everyone was okay. There really wasn't any panic just a calm reaction while things were burning. I believe my dream was trying to tell me that things will be destroyed in my life but that everything will turn out okay.
I woke up this morning feeling a little irritate at Steve Delugghi from last night. I felt that he shut me down while I was sharing at the end of the night. Almost as if I was sharing too much about my recovery. It was as though I was further along in my recovery, doing exercises out of workbooks, and the other guys hadn't even been introduced to any of it yet. When I mentioned that I had read the book "Don't Call it Love" and seen the charts and graphs that are part of next's weeks meeting, he said I would be leading the meeting.
It brought me back to my childhood when I was further along than others in class and found myself bored in class. I had to sit there quietly while others had to catch up. It was very difficult to do and I constantly was disruptive in class. I don't want to be held back while others are having difficulty grasping concepts. I want to keep progressing. My life is fucked up right now and I am the person responsible for getting it on it's proper track. I want to learn as much as I can about what is going on with me so I can learn how to deal with things. And I don't like the concept of waiting for someone else to tell me when it's time to learn it.
No comments:
Post a Comment