It's been a week since I last checked in here. I'd like to say that I have some sort of great reason. Reality is that I think I needed a little break. I've been working somewhat on trying to wrap up my first step. A lot of emotional energy is going into that. Part of me was/is getting tired of this daily update or status report.
While the past week hasn't tempted me much on the acting out front, working on my first step is really making me rethink my three circles or really my inner circle activities. I don't want to admit it and would rather keep a door open to my addictive side. But masterbation is an issue for me. It does allow me to release a lot of energy through that sexual mean. This is slowing me down in my learning how to deal emotionally with myself and life. If I turn to masterbation to release stress, it will just be a matter of time before it escalates into some other form of sexual release.
This belief was reinforced last night at my Thursday night Sex Addiction Education class. The brain does react to the sexual release and changes the brain over time. These changes warp your thinking and demand more sexual release to deal with life and it's stressors. Only by taking the sexual release out of the equation does the brain starts to go back to a more 'normal' state. I can't describe exactly what normal is but I know it doesn't allow the warped thinking and belief structure that my mind has had over the past few years.
In talking with my therapist the other day, she brought up this subject of masterbation and trying to exclude it from my life for a while. It really sounds so easy yet is so difficult. Her desire is to take the sexual release away from dealing with life and learn how to deal with those stressors in a different, more positive, life affirming way. I do understand what she is saying. Yet I do not want to be a sexual monk. I do not want to be sexual anorexic. If I took masterbation out of my life, I have no idea when my next sexual experience would be. I can't foresee it being anytime soon as Martha seems to not want to have sex. I understand those feelings on her part since I severely betrayed her. Both sexually and emotionally. So I play out this scenario in my head that I don't have any type of sex for another year or more. It sounds absurb yet many guys, in 12 step meetings, share stories about not having sex for that long. Why should I be different?
Don't have a lot of plans for the rest of the day. Martha has a therapy appointment around 4:00. I've got an eye doctor's appointment at 9:30 and then a meeting at noon. I'd like to work for a few hours on my first step. My desire is to have it done for my Monday morning therapy session. I plan on sharing it with her. I might even bring her a copy so she can write notes on it for me to explore further. Tuesday night, I'll read it to my sponser. Then take a break for Thanksgiving and come back to it late next week and start reworking on it a little. I've got a date of Friday, Dec. 10th scheduled to read it at my noon 12 step meeting.
The last few weeks I've probably been ignoring it and instead spending time bowling with Mike. I'm supposely working on improving my game, but am finding it difficult to concentrate on my bowling as my mind is elsewhere. This addiction has consumed me in so many different ways. It's just absolutely mind boggling at times. I have many unmet needs and can't even express what they are. I don't know how to express them. I could probably write them down and express them to myself first in that manner. Then I could express them to my therapist. Next would be figuring out how to express them in a positive way to someone else, like my wife. Just the thought increases my blood pressure. It's time to go for a walk and get some fresh air and get my mind at ease again.
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