...and it definitely seemed like a very long, emotional weekend to me. Finally took an anxiety pill Friday night after tossing and turning for over an hour in bed unable to sleep. Got up Saturday morning and didn't feel a whole lot better. Went for a walk, ate a little breakfast and took another anxiety pill. Then hopped back into bed and pretty much veg'd for the day. My wife made me a sandwich for lunch. Then back to bed for me. Just did not want to be social at all. She asked if my head was hurting (thinking migraine headache) and I said no, just wanted to veg. Wow, I don't remember what we had for dinner last night, but afterwards we took Mookie for a short, slow walk. Then we had a bowling "party" to go to. A bunch of people from my wife's work were getting together to bowl. The bowling alley is just down the street, so it really was not much effort at all.
Ended up having a pretty good time there. The people are nice and friendly. But something strange happened and I'm wondering if my subliminal mind is telling me something. As we were getting ready to bowl, each of us had to make up a fake name for ourselves. I was thinking about using John Galt, but kept thinking it was too serious. One of the guys used the name "Flank Steak" or something similar. All of a sudden, all I could think of was "Chopped Liver". So I typed it in. I felt depressed doing so but could not stop myself. After about two or three frames my wife came over and said that was a stupid name and not good for my self esteem. I told her to go change it and type in whatever name she wished. We did not argue about this or raise our voices. It was a civil, quiet, brief conversation and did not irritate me. Crazily enough, my bowling improved, but I think that was really due more so to a change in bowling balls.
Felt a little better today. Ended going for a walk in the morning. Did some reading and have a good breakfast that my wife cooked. We did some yard work and then went to lunch at Paneras. Most of the day I've been thinking about this naming of my bowling personality from last night. Really can't figure out how I can act in this impulsive way and not care when I'm doing it. It also irritates me a little that my wife made no mention of the naming during the day today. I wished to bring it up but thought I'd wait and see if she would. Or will our life together continue on as if everything is hunky-dorey? I want this shit to stop and I know that I am powerless to make these changes by myself. I wish I could just break down and have a good cry. I believe it would be emotionally refreshing if I could.
All in all, this weekend felt like a complete emotional disaster. I had no control over my emotions and impulsivity. Just wanted to roll up in a fetal position and hide. But I also did not act out sexually and was aware of what I was doing. That is a good first step, understanding when something is happening. Next is to recognize it and start to change it while it's going on.
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