...was pretty good. I spent the majority of the time talking with her about what happened on Thursday and Friday, with my wife's co-worker and my reaction to it. My therapist thought that it was sexting going on. It really doesn't matter to me whether or not it was, it just played with my mind. And I need to watch what I'm doing to keep myself on a good, positive path. My therapist also questioned my wife's motives/thoughts about allowing me to have this sexting conversation with one of her co-workers. She thought that perhaps my wife subliminally wished to participate with me, though she also questioned how much my wife knows about my extramaritial sexual exploits. Yes it's crazy to think that my wife would allow such behavior to go on. My mind has been thinking about this, even more so after talking to my therapist.
We also talked about my need to come clean with my wife and tell her about my hidden past. We're in agreement that I don't and shouldn't tell her how many women I've slept with as there would be nothing beneficial about that information. But I need to be able to express that I have made some positive steps in addressing this issue and have many more to take. By opening up and expressing my past to my wife will free me up to continue on my search for sexual sobriety. Seemingly, I've reached a plateau and only feel I can go forward if I disclose to my wife. So my therapist has asked me to write a script of the conversation I would have with my wife. In that vain, I will start composing my script below.
Martha,
I need to talk with you. As you know I've been seeing a therapist for a while as well as going to some meetings on Monday nights. While this search started with me trying to resolve some anger issues, the reality is that my issues are much bigger. My Dad was as addict and sadly, those traits have been passed onto me. While it's easiest to think of Dad as an alcoholic, the reality is that something or many things drove him to drink excessively, fucking up his life and others. While I wish I did know, I don't know all of the personal issues that he had. But I'm sure that many of them were passed onto me.
I've got issues with self-esteem, anger, control, impulsivity as well as a huge problem dealing with my emotions in any sort of a positive way. I've bottled up my feelings and emotions my whole life, unwilling to share with anyone. This has lead to me being extremely moody, stressed as well as emotionally unavailable to others. I'm not happy with this and want this changed dramatically. And sooner rather than later. I'm tired of hiding my emotions and creating some sort of secret life. I've lied to you in the past and I'm not proud of it at all. Most of all, my secret life has led me down a path that leaves me feeling disgusted and ashamed of myself. It is a path that I do not have control of. It is bigger than me. I need to tell you that I have spent way, way, way too much time surfing porn sites online, going to massage parlors as well as chasing prostitutes. Yes I'm ashamed to say that I have slept with prostitutes. It's nothing I'm proud of at all. This has escalated into what would be a sexual addiction.
In searching how I got to this place, I only have myself to blame and look at. While part of me chasing down these experiences is for emotional involvement, the reality is that they were completely devoid of any. I'm missing much of my emotional development and somehow started down this destructive path. Through therapy the past few months, I've been searching through my past, my feelings and thoughts to figure out who I am. Again, I'm very unhappy with what I've done, but in a f'd up way, it has forced me to deal with me. I'm not alone with this problem and I know there is a way to sexual sobriety. I've got much work still to do and have an intense desire to do it. My life needs to change. I need it to change in a positive way right now and am willing to do the work needed to make it happen.
Again, I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you. Where we go from now I don't know. But I would like to work things out with you.
Well, I think I'll stop there right now. I've got a SAA meeting I'm going to shortly. Then probably spend some more time journaling.
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