....I can't even remember my log on email and password for this account. I set up a separate email account so that this blog could remain pretty secret from my wife. In no way shape or form would I like for her to see this. Today it took me damn near 15 minutes to get logged on. Aaaaauuuuuuggggggghhhhhhh. Little victories.
Been a pretty good day so far. Did all my reading and made it to a SAA meeting. Was an okay meeting. Nothing too enlightening. At the same time, not every thing has to be enlightening. It can just be. As I've said before, this examination of myself is emotionally tiring so a little time without my mind going crazy is alright.
I wanted to take a few minutes reflecting a little more on this past weekend. I think I was feeling a lot of resentment and frustration turning into anger. As I wrote earlier, I was able to not explode in anger. As usual I internalized it as opposed to finding a way to share it. I wanted to share it with my wife, but I think that would have turned into a fight with my wife crying. And I didn't want to go down that path. Which leads to me being full of anger with myself for not being able to do the sharing needed.
I feel a lot of resentment towards my wife for our relationship. I hate that she seems to truly love me, though she continues to not want to confront/discuss any issues we may have as a couple. I think she is afraid of where that discussion will go and lead to. I don't know how to deal with this. My natural response/reaction is to not address anything and be moody, occasionally lashing out to her verbally and then retreat into myself and close up. I know that is not right. It needs to change.
Until it changes, I will be trying to deal with the frustration of it not changing. I should say I will be frustrated with me not changing. I've had these issues for damn near forever and I'm fed up. I'm hoping that by sharing my thoughts and emotions with my therapist and others in SAA, I will find a positive way to express myself.
It makes me wish my Dad was alive. I'd love to talk to him about his experiences of getting sober as an alcoholic. I know bits and pieces of his story but would love to know more. Maybe in the future I will attempt to talk to my brothers and half sister and see what they have to say. I don't have all the pieces. Just pieces of a jigsaw puzzle of my life and trying to put it together in a way that works for me.
Gonna head off to another SAA meeting tonight. Not really sure that I need to go to two meetings in a day, but I'm trying to invest as much of myself into this search right now, while I can. Part of me is probably trying to avoid spending more time with my wife and internalizing what I'm feeling. If this avoidance is true, it says something about our relationship to me. And I'm still avoiding dealing with it.
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