....this online journal. It's been a great tool for me to express my feelings, thoughts and emotions. While I wish I had the ability to write stuff everyday, I find that daily writing can almost be too much emotionally for me. So I write when I feel the urge or need.
Yesterday I met with my SAA sponser and he read me his first step. The first step is a confession of one's life, sexual and otherwise, and how it brought them to this crazy, mixed up world of sex addiction. While you don't have to completely explain everything, or the why behind everything, you do talk about your progression and the consequences of your actions. His was the second first step I had heard and was a bit tamer than the first. But it was also one I could relate to more. As an individual newer to SAA, one of the first things I would do to keep my sexual sobriety is to share my first step. So I will be spending some time going through my past and trying to connect some dots. And calculating the consequences or costs of my actions.
I would love to have some sort of rough draft by the end of the month. I figure that since I am not working, I can spend some time on it. I think a rough draft would also be something I could share with my therapist at a session and give her a more thorough background of me. And it would definitely give me a better look at myself.
Afterwards, I spent some time talking with my female friend from SAA. We talked a little bit about her Grandmother dying. She probably going to head down to the bay area to say her last goodbyes soon. I felt my eyes getting moist as I thought about the loss of my family members. It would be nice if we could all just live forever and everything could just be fine. But I guess that would be boring. We then talked about a little bit about my marriage. And whether or not I would be staying with my wife after I confessed about my past actions. I found it interesting that she questioned why I would stay with my wife if I've been cheating on her for 6/7/8 years. To hear an outsider say that felt strange and yet very good. I can justify staying because the relationship feels comfortable and I hate change. I'm very familiar with my wife and wouldn't have to spend time learning more about myself. And definitely it would be better financially.
Yet I spent the rest of the day just reflecting on that statement from my friend. I have cheated for reasons of boredom, emotional escape, anxiety release, stress released, impulsivity, control. Fuck. I can read that last sentence and know that leaving my wife is probably the right thing for me to do. But I don't know how to do it or approach it in the most positive way for me. At the same time, I hate the thought of hurting my wife. She's really done nothing wrong. I honestly believe I'm the one who has done wrong and yet she has to pay a price. As I've said in the past, I'm not sure if I got married for the right reasons and cannot say that I honestly love or loved my wife with the same unbridled passion and desire that I loved my first girlfriend with (but does anyone ever match that level).
So where do I go from here, I'm not completely sure. How much soul searching does one have to do before making a damn decision?
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