....Wow, I talked to my wife this morning and told her that I had been unfaithful on her. I read her what I wrote the other day. And I was absolutely amazed by her response. I was expecting her to emotionally blow up at me. No. She did not. She was pretty damn composed. Stunned to be sure but not surprised. She had said that she thought I had been cheating on her. We talked for a little bit about how long it had been going on. How long had it been since I had sex with someone else. Had I been tested for diseases. Did I think that therapy and SAA was helping. She wanted time alone to think about what I had said to her. So I took off for a few hours. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, so I grabbed my SAA green book and took off. I ended up driving down to Salem and walked around a mall down there. Then went to lunch and drove back to Portland. Stopped at the reststop south of town and relaxed for about 30 minutes. I actually felt very good. Did not feel anxious. Didn't feel any desire to act out. Just wanted to be peaceful and quiet.
When I got back home, we talked some more. She said she was disappointed in me, pissed off and angry, loved me, hated me, upset at herself, how would she ever be able to trust me. I kept apologizing for my actions and told her she could feel all of those emotions. She also said she wanted me to get better. I asked her if she wanted to read some stuff about the addiction. She did, so I asked her to read Chapter 1 of Patrick Carnes book and Chapter 1 of the Sexual Addicts Green book. She didn't make it all the way through the first book, since the chapter was about 30 pages long. But she read some other stuff in the book and read the chapter in the green book.
Apparently she had also gone online while I was gone earlier in the day and look at the CoDependency of Sexual Addicts website. She said they had a meeting every week near her work. (It's at the same place I go for my Monday night meetings) I suggested that I thought it would be go for her to go, if only to hear other women in a similar situation. She thought she would not go this week but was open to going in another week or so. I think that's great. It made me feel very proud of her! And very ashamed of myself for putting her in this position.
I don't know where we go from here, but I know that I feel a tremendous amount of relieve having had made this confession. I do not believe everything is going to be fine from here on out, but I do believe that I no longer have to lie to her and can just answer questions openly and honestly. I feel that if I admit my faults openly, then we can discuss a plan of attack to adjust them in a positive way. Will it be easy? I don't think so, but I am very willing to give it a go. I don't think I have ever felt this close emotionally to my wife. And it feels good. If she had just booted me out of the house and said she doesn't want to see me any more, it probably wouldn't feel the same, but I haven't gotten that response yet.
And now it's 6:45pm and I am still feeling good. At the start of the day, I didn't think this would be the outcome at this time. But it is and that's good.
No comments:
Post a Comment