Went to bed around 11:15 or so last night. Have been tossing and turning the last hour in bed. Maybe I should leave the sliding door open so that I get some air flow in the room. What in the hell is the matter with me?
Bowled terrible last night in league bowling. To make matters worse, I was obsessing about a gal on the other team during the whole time we were bowling. She had a cute face. Was a little overweight but I kept wondering “how can I get her to come home with me?” Finally about half way through the second game, I started talking to her. Her lips looked very soft. I was just going crazy thinking about her. She ended up going to one of her teammates houses as it was his birthday.
On the other hand, I ended up going to the same bar I’ve gone to a few times. Between the beer and video poker, my last $43 in cash was spent. Thought about getting some more cash out of the ATM there but wisely didn’t do that. Still haven’t said but a few words to the bartender when I go. What makes me think that a bar has the answer for me?
In reading one of my books on depression, I’ve begun wondering about the correlation between depression and addiction. I’m depressed and am seeking some relief from that. Instead of doing inner soul searching, I end up looking for answers somewhere else; in a glass or chasing down some sex or stuffing all my feelings with eating. Or do a lot of mindless television watching. I don’t want to do the actual work of deep soul searching. I don’t want to face the realities of why I don’t want to accomplish something with my life. I don’t want to be honest with myself and work through my flaws.
So at age 51 my life is falling apart. I haven’t worked for over a year, my marriage is in crisis. I’m not sure that I like working with my current therapist. I wonder if I should try to find a new one. Or am I avoiding something? Every thought or turn in my life leaves me wondering why I want to take that turn or have that thought. Questioning myself leaves me very tired and unsure.
Had lunch with Dave yesterday at Elephant’s Deli. Was a good lunch. We sat around and shared about the past few days in our lives. I appreciated the time and opportunity to do so. Then I headed back to my house to pick up some more things to take to storage. I’m feeling I’ve got one more trip to the house, on Thursday to pick up the last of my things. This emptying of the house of all of my belongings makes me feel as if I am not wanted there. Then I’ll have to earn my way back into the house. The process leaves me with a bad taste in my mouth. I’m wondering if Martha wants the relationship over. Or if she just wants my stuff out of the house in case the relationship ends and she doesn’t have to deal with seeing me? I don’t know.
No comments:
Post a Comment