July 14

I just arrived in Rogue River, Oregon on my drive down to California. My wife and I have split, so I decided to take a trip down to see my brother and hometown. I just want to get away and try to find a peaceful place for myself for a few days. I plan on heading back to Oregon on Monday. I get my keys to my new place on Tuesday and then start moving stuff in during the week.

I’ve really got some mixed emotions about this separation. Both my wife and I believe in our hearts that we do need some time apart to work on ourselves alone. It pretty scary to think that I haven’t lived alone in almost 20 years. I’m not sure what the nights alone will be like. This is a completely new way of living to me. Since I’m unemployed and honestly have not looked for work in quite a while, I said “What the hell. Take a few more days off and get serious next week.” I wanted to take off earlier today but I had to find an apartment to live in first. I told Martha that I was going to take off this morning when I talked to her last night. But overnight, I realized that I would be repeating the same pattern that I have followed my whole life. When I woke up I told Martha that I would find a place to live before I took off.

I spent the morning looking and filled out an application at one place and ended up getting a one bedroom apartment there. It’s tiny (600 square feet) with one bedroom and one bath. I’m not sure how much furniture can fit in the place but am not looking to cram it full with things just for the sake of filling the place with furniture. I like an open feel to the place and will looking to do that. I’ll get a single or full size mattress for the bedroom, which will give me extra room for some furniture there. Guess I’ll see how it goes next week as I start to move in.

As I type this I feel a little excited. It’s as though I feel some freedom in my life. Part of me at the same time feels as though I shouldn’t be excited. I should be feeling hurt and sad as my marriage is having difficulties. So there is some confusion but I know deep inside of myself that if Martha and I just got back together right now it wouldn’t work. Not for me. I’ve got to spend some time and energy on myself. Getting to know myself and like myself. If I don’t do this work, I honestly don’t know how long I could go on emotionally. Every day I was feeling more and more emotionally strangled. Unable to breath, think or feel good about myself. I am so sick and tired of what I’ve become. Emotionally unhealthy. An asshole. Thoughtless, careless, narcisistic, egotistical. I’ve got plenty of character flaws to work on.

I’m not blaming my wife for those feelings. I am completely responsible for them. I truly feel that way. I would not allow myself the freedom to express my thoughts, emotions or feelings with others. I had somehow emotionally painted myself into a corner and could not get out of it. Now I need to spend my time and energy and emotions into finding myself. I’m very excited about the prospect of this journey.