July 24th -- 12:05am

It’s crazy how much I want to chase down a woman and have sex. I’m beginning to wonder if my leaving Martha is just a guise so I can do whatever I want. All day I was looking at women. Checking out their breasts and asses. Doing some occasional fantasizing. Then I spent some time looking online for a female. Found some and made some calls. Didn’t have any luck initially. After dinner I looked some more and found someone that I ended up hooking up with. She gave me a blowjob. Couple that sexual experience with another one last week down in Chico and I think I am in relapse mode in my addiction.

I know that I feel an enormous amount of tension and anxiety. It’s as though my body cannot sit still. My legs are constantly twitching. I can sit and read a book. My mind just won’t stop. I’m surrounded by boxes and stuff that needs to be unpacked and cannot focus on it. Right now I want to head down to a bar and see if I could pick up a barfly and bring her home. It’s been a stressful day as I picked up a bunch of stuff from the house. Also bought a bed for the apartment. Was a little bit of a physical workout doing the moving as I sweated a bit. Then I headed off to Freddies and picked up a few things I need for the place. I do feel like I accomplished some stuff but not as much as I had hoped to.

I had dinner tonight at a bar. Had a cheeseburger, fries and a soda. I didn’t know it was a bar until after I got out of my truck and walked up to the front door. It was around 5:30 and there were regulars there. The waitress knew most of the people’s names and drinks. I thought it would be nice if somehow I could get the waitress to go home with me but before I could ask, she was on her way to another table.

I sat there and thought to myself how stupid I was to even think that was any kind of possibility. And why? Why would I want to pick up some gal that I don’t even know?
As I walked away and drove back to my apartment I started to wonder why I was searching for meaning in a bar. It was very obvious to me that there are a lot of lonely souls in bars. So why am I there? It feels right in one respect and yet so no me. I realize that I want to find a relationship that has meaning. It’s just not going to happen going to a bar and searching.

So what’s my moving out all about? I’m thinking I need some change in my life. I cannot stand still and handle peace, calm and serenity. Putting down roots somewhere means I have to care. I have to share myself. I have to reach out to others. I have to do all these things that I don’t always like to do. Doing this alone is difficult enough. Add in Martha not wanting to do much of it either and it’s very difficult. I hate or strongly dislike when I have to attempt to convince Martha to participate.