July 24th--a little later in the day

It’s a little later in the day on Sunday, July 24th. I got some things done today and I feel pretty good about it. Got the two bookshelves stained though the one could probably use another coat. But I’m happy with the way they turned out. I’ve got them both positioned in the apartment and going to let them dry a little more over night. I went out searching how to get my laptop hooked up to my big screen tv and I cannot figure it out. It’s not a HDMI compatible laptop so I couldn’t get it working with other things. So I will return the cables tomorrow and be happy with getting the tv working and possibly internet.

I’m still not too sure if I will get internet hookup. It’s been a good two weeks without constant internet or television access. There have definitely been times when I’ve been going crazy but I have survived. I still wonder if the internet is a good thing for me with my sexual addiction and it being my lifeline to it. There’s definitely a pull to having it around you all the time. I guess I could use my cell phone if I had too. Honestly though the download of any site is so slow I cannot stand to wait. So I’ve only used the internet on my phone a few times for anything.

Today I felt good. Not really sure why. Woke up about five in the morning and was feeling anxious. Took an anxiety pill and went back to bed. Slept until 7:30 or so. Got up and did a little reading. Just a chapter from “The Zen Path through Depression”. All day though I have felt good and accomplished a few things around the apartment. Still have the dresser and hammock to put together. I’ve got my guidelines list for my separation with Martha to work on. I’ve got ideas in my head but haven’t put anything on paper.

I’ve been wondering today if I’m suppose to feel good since I’ve move out of the house. What if I tell my wife tomorrow night that I feel good. Not good necessarily about the separation but just good in general. I almost wanted to smile most of the day. I told the gal at the Starbucks counter my real name when I ordered a drink. I wanted to be me. It’s been a long time.

I’m not feeling very anxious tonight. Don’t have any desire to try to chase down a prostitute or some woman in a bar. Picked up a beer at Freddys to drink. Had a few sips and threw the rest down the sink. Beer just is not doing it for me.