...for my wife today and took off for the beach for a day or two. I hadn't told my wife of me having any idea of needing some time alone. My stress level the past few days has been extremely high. I've been on edge. I'm sorry to say that I went online the other day and surfed through some escort ads for about an hour and a half. I didn't track down a prostitute, just looked at the ads. Just typing that makes my blood pressure rise. My chest is pounding a little. Fuck. This addiction is absolutely fucked up.
I wish there was a quick way to release all the pressure from those actions, in a positive way. It seems that the best way is to come clean about it with someone else. It's as though releasing it to the universe through talking really helps. It sounds good but it sure isn't easy for me. I just can't share my thoughts or emotions. I've got to keep everything in my head.
This leads to pressure building up inside of me with no release valve. Instead the pressure keeps building and building. I grow more and more irritated, anxious and unable to deal with anyone or anything. I just want to explode.
So I took off today and headed to the coast. I drove down the coast and have ended up in a town called Yachats. It's a small town but the coast is absolutely gorgeous. I've got the window opened and can hear the waves. It's very relaxing.
And I still can't get out of my head. Why am I here? What was I thinking that taking off and running was going to solve anything? Why the hell can't I grow up and get ahold of things in my life? How more shit do I have to put myself through?
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