July 23rd....5am

It’s Saturday morning at 5am. I met with Martha last night over dinner and we had a discussion about boundaries in our separation. Her biggest concern was me getting my stuff out of the house and then let not entering the house. So this morning I’m heading to the house to grab my clothes, big screen tv, bookshelves and anything else I can. I’m not sure that I’ll be able to get all my stuff out of the house in the roughly 4 hours that she’ll be gone. But if needed, I can go back on Monday and get the rest of my things.

I understand the purpose of asking me to remove my things from the house, yet in a certain way it’s as if I am saying good bye to the house and the marriage in my life. Nothing is final but it still has that feeling that the relationship is over. “You get your stuff and stay out”.

Part of me now feels some of the ramifications of my impulsiveness. I decided that I need space and need time apart. Now I’m completely moving out of the house and taking all of my belongings with me. In my past this type of action is reflective of me moving on from a relationship. Packing up an apartment and moving meant that something was ending and I was starting over again.

I don’t like how I can mentally adjust and just go through the motions of this move and not want to emotionally feel the hurt and pain of it. Honestly I guess I am feeling the pain, sorrow and hurt. Again last night I went down to a bar to see if I could get a beer and play some video poker. And pick up a barfly for atleast an hour or two to come back to my apartment and make me feel better. When that didn’t work out as all the machines were being used, I headed back home to the apartment. I then proceeded to take my laptop and headed over to the office to use the wireless internet hookup. Immediately I started searching for a prostitute online. I even made a call and set up an appointment for a short time later. I decided that I didn’t need to see that girl. So instead, I came back to my apartment and masterbated. I did masterbate using euphoric recall and fantasy of a past experience with a prostitute.

After that experience I popped an anti anxiety pill and played some Majong on the laptop. Finally I felt very relaxed. An hour or so down the road I found myself dozing off with the laptop on my lap. Everything felt peaceful and serene.