I spent last night in the apartment alone. I was jumping out of my skin. Headed down to a bar and got a beer. Headed back home after some video poker. Couldn’t calm down, so I ended up taking a sleeping pill and an anxiety pill. Finally got to sleep. Woke up around 7:30 this morning. Guess I slept pretty good. Lol.
Today I called a friend and moved part of the sofa, my desk and recliner over to the apartment. I’ve put together some furniture and lamps. It’s already feeling cozier. Don’t have a bed yet. Been sleeping on an air mattress. Went to the doctor today. Had a physical. Also got some more pills. Even picked up some Viagra. Really not sure why. Guess I have to believe that I want to try some and see what it feels like. Not sure how that is going to work. I’m a little perturbed at myself for getting the doctor to write a script for them. I don’t want to make excuses for what I did but I’m not sure where it’s going to go.
Then headed to an appointment with my acupuncturist. Was a good appointment. She gave me a heads up about seeing if I get my doctor to further approve some more time with her regarding my knee. I’m so messed up emotionally that I like to fantasize about her.
Did a little text messaging with Martha today. She said she wasn’t sure if she was going to call tonight. Since it’s about 9pm, I’ll assume she’s not going to. After her session with her therapist I’m feel pretty confident that she’s not wanting to be around me for awhile. I know Martha was and is confused and sad about the separation. It’s left me thinking a little about how I handled it and whether I could have handled it differently.
It could have been handled differently. No question about it. I could have shared quite a bit more with Martha about what I was feeling. It’s not completely about not feeling safe sharing with her. It’s also about her not sharing back. So I end up feeling like I’m giving and not receiving. If that’s being done intentionally, it worked. Yet on another level it probably didn’t work completely the way she wished. I don’t know.
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