Today is D Day...

...that's right, it's Disclosure Day with my wife. I'm definitely feeling nervous and anxious about it. While I can rationalize that doing this formal disclosure is good for me and will help me move on in a positive way with my life, I still wish to mentally trip about the insanity of reading a list of things that I did that I know will hurt my wife. I'd still like to somehow get this all to go away. But I know it can't.

Last night my wife asked me if after I shared this disclosure with her if she was going to hate me. I really didn't answer. I'm lost that what I've told her so far hasn't made her hate me. But she says it hasn't. I can't help but feel that when I tell her that I had sexual intercourse with prostitutes in our bed that will hurt her deeply.

So I was left to wondering where will we go from here, after the disclosure? Not really what's going to happen in that room after I read it but down the road. If our marriage is going to work we have got to quit avoiding the elephant in the room and start talking about it. We need to start expressing our emotions and feelings about many things. We need to talk about our likes and dislikes of each other. We need to talk about our dreams and desires. We need to see if we want to build a future together.

Right now I feel so seperate from her that a future doesn't seem very enjoyable. I know she's unhappy about things and just takes her anxiety pills to escape and relax. I can understand that she's unhappy and scared of what might happen. The possibility that our marriage was a fraud is a huge issue for her. She really doesn't want to even begin to think about it. So she'd rather mentally check out right now.

I don't know. I'm confused where to go from here. I'm not looking to be an asshole but I do want things to change with our marriage if it's going to go on. Right now though, I'm packing clothes for the weekend as I will be staying at a motel until Monday. Then I'll come back home and we'll go from there.

So I think I'll this morning's post here and head out for a walk around the lake. Try to burn up some excess energy.